I really miss smiling. Feels like it's been ages since I genuinely smiled. When I hung out with S yesterday, I felt the gap between us. The distance seemed so wide I'm afraid I'm not able to cross it. I was being such a jerk yesterday. No correct that, I'm being a jerk to everyone.

I'm sorry but why? God, why am I being like this? I HATE MYSELF SO MUCH NOW. I'm letting those negative feelings control me and dictate how I live. I'm in hiding and in denial.

I don't feel like talking to people anymore. I don't even feel like stepping out of the house. I rather be alone, like today. Today's fun cause I was at home alone. No nagging, no talking, nothing. The silence was amazing. ^^

But tomorrow's bad. Tomorrow I'm meeting with her. Tomorrow I'm going for connect group. Tomorrow I'm going to meet with people again.

God, I feel like I'm shrinking. I feel so small now. I don't know why all those negative feelings returned. I just want to be left alone. I've hurt so many people I feel bad over my actions. Yet why am I like this?

Even talking to TW makes me tired... even TW...

Is there really no hope for me? My emotions are a whirlwind but my mind's in utter chaos.

I just wanna say sorry. Sorry to the friends and family who love me. I love you too, I just don't know why I'm like this.

Sorry....