God... :(

It's been two months since I last updated and you know what? Nothing's changed. I'm still as unhappy as ever, the only exception being that Tingwei is the only person I talk my troubles to now. Why is it, you may ask, well, I have no idea.

I have no idea what I'm doing with my life at this point. Talking to everyone else makes me tired. It isn't even their fault anymore. Why am I being like this again? I'm distancing myself from everyone again. I don't know if anyone noticed. Okay. She did but that may be cause of the diminished number of conversations we had as compared to the past. Funny huh?

I'm constantly with people but nothing's letting up. I'm not changing. I'm opening up to my connect group now more than ever. I've changed connect group by the way. I've started talking to Christians. I've learned to open my heart, lower my shield a little and try to interact with the vast majority of people out there. It's frustrating though. It seems like no matter how much I try it just isn't freaking enough. I can never be comfortable with them. I'll take two steps forward and take two steps back. I can't even be happy for more than a while. What the hell is my problem?

Today is Mummy's birthday. We went to Sushi Tei as a family together to celebrate the occasion. I was walking behind them and watching their backs from afar. It seemed like the perfect family. It seemed like the only family, seemed like I didn't belong.

I've thought about it sometimes. What will happen to my family if I'm not there? Will it be better, or will it be worse? I try so hard to hold onto the thought that my family will be devastated without me but sometimes it's just so easy to not care. It's so easy to just close your eyes and let everything that's clashing within you come to a standstill. It's so easy to hold that breath, watch the dark spots dance around your eyes and feel Death's breath on your lips. It's so easy to give in to the temptations, so easy to lose the fight...

I'm fucked up in my thoughts, I know. I'm just falling apart, watching the broken pieces of my heart fall to the floor dispassionately. My mask is torn. I don't know the feelings that are coursing through my veins now. Is it warmth that I feel, or is it numbing cold? My friends are drifting apart. I am drifting apart. I don't think they even notice. Sometimes I think they don't even care.

It's so selfish of me to think this way but it's really hard to hold onto the truth sometimes y'know? Waking up everyday, finding a reason to get out of bed, a reason to breathe, a reason for me to hold onto life, a reason for me to just feel like I belong in this world, and not the realm of the dead is tough. I don't know if these thoughts are labelled as suicidal or not. I don't feel like dying myself but I'm already dying, you know what I mean?

Each day I go through the same routine again and again without a slightest idea of what is going on. I'm so terrified most of the time I find it hard to ground myself to reality. I escape to the world of fanfiction, drown myself in stories after stories, tell myself that I'm okay, I'm alright and I will be fine. But it isn't true is it? It's never true. I'm just falling down repeatedly and I'm tired of getting up.

I understand being 'emo' is selfish but here's the thing, some people just can't stop being selfish. I am a selfish person to the core. I know it. I recognise it but I can't for fuck's sake help it. I don't know why those rude words exit my mouth either. I don't know why I'm being such a jerk to the people around me but I can't help it. I can't help myself.

Days like these are the days I just want to go back to my previous coping mechanism; cutting. It makes the world an easier place to live in. It keeps those dark thoughts at bay and fill it with other senseless ones instead. Is it better? I don't know. Fear's just been such a HUGE part of my life I'm not sure what it's like to live without it anymore.

I'll pray but I don't believe. I know God can heal me. I know God is my Saviour but just the thought of facing God ever fills me with shame. I feel unworthy, dirty and so so guilty. The shame seeps out of my pores, the dirt clings to my frame. I don't feel like I can ever get rid of it and those scars, those stupid scars are mocking me for the temptations I've succumbed to and the sins I've committed.

I'm just so tired. God, will there really come a day I'll wake up and actually smile? Will there come a day that the tears on my face will stop flowing, a day when my fears ceased to exist and faith fills me up instead? You've given me hope, God but it's so fragile and it's fading. I hate to be so faithless but the alternative just fills me with so much fear, God, so much fear...

I keep screwing up God. In clinics, in everywhere, I just keep repeating the same mistakes again and again. I don't even know why. I just keep doing it over and over again like an idiot. Like a stupid idiot. I don't even know what to do anymore. I'm not good at anything and I lack passion for anything at all. No wait, that's not true. I love music. My heart beats for it, but God, I ain't good at it either. I'll practice but it's just never enough.

I'm taking piano lessons from Yilian with Nelli but it's just impossible God. It throws me back to the times when I always feel like I'm not good enough. It starts a crippling cycle of negativity. I'm afraid, God, I don't want to go back there again. I'm not sure I'll have enough willpower to stop myself this time. Not sure if God, you'll get through me like you did previously.

God, the negative thoughts, they're back again. They've always been at the back of my mind, whispering into my heart, tearing my walls down. It's so hard sometimes. Feels like I have nothing to hold onto, nothing to anchor my heart to. My family relationships are falling apart and so are my friendships, God, is there ever a chance of restoration?

Is it my fault? I can't help but feel that it is. Why am I being so petty God? All these hurt that I can't let go just because I'm being a bitch... Why? God, oh why? :( Can I spam sad faces? Cause that's how I feel now. Just sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad...

Is there another word to describe sadness? Cause I feel like I'm just spamming the word again and again. Help me God, save me please. It's just so difficult sometimes. I don't want to go back to the past. I don't want to lose my heart. I want to gain control of my mind back again. Please. I want to wake up to good thoughts, to smiles, to just all the positivity that's been buried somewhere in this broken shell of me. God, I know you can return the smiles to me. I'll pray God, I'm still praying...

God, I really wanna smile again. I want to stand up for myself. I want to be able to hug people, talk to them, kiss them on their cheeks, lay my head on their shoulders. I want to be able to comfort them with the right words, help others like me out of this chain of negative thoughts. God, I want to be able to be comfortable with my Christian friends, play games with them, laugh with them. I want to feel the confidence seep back into me God. I want to just be carefree and not let the world hold me down. I want to be able to build a relationship with you God. I want to smile. God I want to smile so desperately.

Can I just look at my reflection and be happy with it? I'll be so happy if that day is possible. God, it's okay for me to hope right? It's going to come to past right? A vision that you've placed in me... God, I can afford to hope... right?

God,

I love you.

And I'm sorry for all the things I've done, so sorry for all the hurt I've caused others, so so sorry for denying you in the past, sorry sorry.

Sorry that my sorries are never enough. Sorry that I can't remember to hold onto you. Sorry that I just keep forgetting that you're there. Sorry that I'm still trying to live up to the expectations of my greed. Sorry that I keep taking credit for what you've done. Sorry, sorry, sorry and sorry.

And sorry cause God, why do you even love me? I don't even love myself, God. I look at myself and all I feel is deep bone hatred. I hate myself so much I could literally punch myself in the face and be okay with it. God, the urge to self-harm is to tempting God. I feel like I'm drowning sometimes. Dying in my own thoughts, trapped by my own mind...

God, I really need you man. I really really need you. I don't know how to even function as a human being without you. I can't even live without you. You're the one who makes another day worth living. You're the reason I'm breathing. You're the one who takes the pain away. You take the thoughts in me and crush them at their roots. God, you vanish all my doubts and shine light into my darkness. God, teach me please. I don't know how to hold onto you. I think I forgot how, God, what if one day I forget you're there and do something I regret? God. :(

I love you even though I think I don't have the right to. :( God...

I'm sorry. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Sorry...

Sorry.

Sorry that I'm such a wreck all the time. Sorry for always being this useless me. Sorry for everything that I've done oh God, I'm sorry. So so sorry. I hate that I'm always back to square one. I hate that I doubt you when trouble comes and believe you when everything's smooth sailing. God, I'm thinking of my FTT on friday and I know I'm going to fail and I'm not even surprised that I'm going to fail but I'm thinking I should pray to you to ask for you to help me but I know I don't even deserve it anyway so God I'm confused.

I'm confused why I still think of myself as unworthy after so long. God, is there ever a way out of this? Will I ever smile again? :( God... help?

:(

God, I... I just can't anymore. It's breaking apart. Everything is. I can't even talk to anyone. They don't understand. They think I'm breaking down cause I had enough. It's not true God. It's not. I'm breaking down cause I don't have enough. I don't think I ever will. :( God. Can I live this once? I just hate this. Hate me. Hate everything that has to do with me. I feel like bashing my head against the wall sometimes, watch my blood seep out of my wounds, feel the life leaving this body behind...

God. I'm hopeless. Hopeless. :(

I'm holding onto Jeremy Camp's There Will Be A Day.. I'm trying so hard to believe, trying so hard to believe... trying so hard to believe..

God, it's okay right? :( :( :( I can hope this time around cause you're with me. I know I'm not alone. I'm not alone cause you're always with me. You won't forsake me. You're with me. You're with me. YOU'RE WITH ME.

Okay God. I'll take deep breaths in. I'll learn to be myself again. God. I can do it with you.. right? Okay. Okay. I'm gonna just calm myself down and listen to There Will Be A Day repeatedly. God, I'll let your love wash over me okay? I'll do this. I'll hold onto You. I can't ever let go anymore. You're all I need, more than what I can possibly imagine and everything, just everything that I so desperately crave for.

God, I'll try. I'll try so God, help me? Walk with me? Never forsake me? I'll die, no even worse than death is what will become of me if you abandon me but you won't right? Damn it. I'm doubting you again. I don't want to God, why am I being like this again? God. :( :( :(

I'm sorry. :((((((

Sorry
sorry
sorry
sorry..

I'm such a wreck now. :( GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD.

:( I love you and I'm sorry. :(((