Old habits die hard

I cut again. Today, for the first time in years I did it. You know, it doesn't even feel any different. It's the same. I'm on bloodlust.

Feels great if I were to be honest, like a heroin addict getting her fix. The smile after seeing my own blood is probably the most genuine it has ever been. I've found the way to be happy again.

I failed Final Theory. 39/50. Disappointing marks but guess what, cutting helped me release the emotions. I don't even feel the guilt now. Ha. Maybe I really am hopeless.

God, I've sinned again. Will you still save me this time around? Or will you leave me to die? I deserve hell. I know it too. But God, I'm tired. I don't even know who I'm fighting this for anymore. I want somebody to hold me and tell me it's alright to feel this way. Somebody to tell me that hey, I'm as lovable as someone else. I want someone to just listen and be there.

I know it's supposed to be you God. I know it's You, but God, it just feels like I can't get through you like before. Feels like I've been abandoned again and that's probably what drove me to do this anyway. I can't accept being ditched God, I suck at acceptance of rejection.

I know You're there but God, I can't feel You here. I wish so much for Your love to take me away but it's hopeless. Once the worship songs are over, I'll slip away. The thoughts come back to haunt me.

I wanna stay in Your embrace forever. God, I was so optimistic about the future. Now the fragile hope is crushed. I can't do it anymore. I don't wanna get my hopes up and watch it all come crashing down. I'll die.

I'm resigned to my fate God. I have no fighting chance. I'm destined to be a sinner ain't I? Destined to be in hell. Destined to die.

God, for what it's worth, I'm sorry. You gave me everything. There's nothing I could have ask for that you didn't provide. I'm just... me. A broken girl that can never be pieced back together.

God, I'm still praying for my friends to get saved though, I'm praying a sinner's prayer. My friends, they don't know of Your greatness, you surely will give them a chance. They're Your mighty children right? You'll bless them I just know it.

God, this oddly feels like a goodbye letter and I can feel the darkness in me swallowing me whole. I hope I still fight for myself God. I hope Satan doesn't win. I hope I still go to church, to let Your love be the redeeming factor. God, if I were to go to church, will you still save me again?

Or have I expired all the chances you've decided to give me? God, you're amazing. You really are. I feel bad for putting you down.

I love you.

Sorry for sinning but without it I'll die, at least there's false happiness here... but sorry again.

Sorry sorry sorry.

I'm a horrible daughter, a horrible friend, a sinful human too ashamed to be known as the child of God.

Thanks for the love throughout the years.

♥