pissed

“It would be too easy to say that I feel invisible. Instead, I feel painfully visible, and entirely ignored.”
― David Levithan, Every Day

Do you get days when you're just out of mojo and even replying a text message feels so tedious? That is how I feel now. I'm out of reserves. All the love I have in me is just... gone.

I feel so selfish for being who I am now but I am just so sick of it, you know, so let me just complain about this and get it off my chest. I promise I won't post another emo post again. I just need to let this anger go or this silence will burn me alive.

I'm tired of people taking me for granted.

I know they are glad that they have me and I know that to them, this little effort of mine means a lot, but I am this close to just flipping the tables over everybody and telling them all to go fuck themselves because today, Amelia Choo is just so done with life.

I am really so damn tired of this, okay? I push myself to my limits just to put that smile on your face the least you can do is to appreciate my effort man, goddammit. Do you all really think I love talking to people so goddamn much? You really think I like socialising? Forcing myself to dispel awkwardness among my friends, forcing myself to try and heal the breaches and cracks... What the fuck for? What do I gain in the end? Can I be utterly selfish and say that I'm tired of being the one to take the first step? Cause that's what I feel like now: garbage.

I'm not speaking about everybody so don't go all sensitive on me now. I know the friends who care about me, who genuinely ask after my emotions, who make me feel like I matter to them but some of you, man, I just feel like I'm being used sometimes. I know, maybe I'm being oversensitive, fine, but will a little reassurance from you hurt so damn much?

Stop acting like you're entitled to my kindness for fuck's sake. I'm doing it cause I care but goddammit, no matter how much I care, even I have my limits too. Stop pushing it. I'm so damn pissed at myself already for my expenditure on friends. Why the fuck should I spend more on people who don't even give a damn about me? 'Cause that's what it feels like to me sometimes, that these friends of mine are just there to leech off me. I know it sounds terrible but this is my honest opinion now. I'm just so damn tired okay? I'm fucking fed up.

Maybe that's why I like hanging out with Ting Wei so much. Maybe it's cause she makes me feel like I matter to her, that I'm not just another method to manage your goddamn loneliness or a garbage truck for your troubles. To her, I don't have to be the person with all the answers, you know? I can be just me, an emotionally vulnerable and tired of pretending to be strong me.

Maybe that's why the thought of hanging out with certain friends exhaust me. Cause what am I even to you man? I hate sounding so whiny and goddamn selfish but dammit, what am I to you? You say you're thankful for me but goddammit, where are you when I needed help? Where were you?

Some part of me registers that this blog entry is completely unwarranted and random in my friends' eyes but it's not. Taking on the troubles of your friends ain't as easy as it sounds so I get it when Shi Min said she has enough on her plate. That's why I appreciate Shi Min reaching out to me nonetheless. I appreciate that she reads this shithole of a blog and asks about me. She bothers remembering stuff about me. Some of my other friends, they comfort me. Others just expect to be comforted.

I'm sorry. I'm sure I'm hurting others with my words again. I did not name names in this entry but if you're reading this entry and think that I'm talking about you, chances are, you're not the one in question. Cause the person whom I'm mentioning in this entry doesn't read this blog anyway. But if you're feeling guilty and you're wondering if your problems are burdening me, well, here's the cold hard truth okay?

When you share your problems with your friends, it burdens them but it's a burden that they're willing to accept. Normally, I don't mind it but when I have to pry that problem from your lips, when I have to beg to be accepted into your heart, that pisses me the fuck off. Why do I even have to care? Why do I care? There have been countless times that I've cursed this heart of mine. There have been countless times that I've actually prayed for certain friendships to go away cause they hurt so much.

Sometimes, I feel like no matter how hard I try, things won't work out.

Is it me? 

I always think that it's because of me and Shi Min knows that. She tries to correct this thinking of mine but how can I tell her that it's always easier to blame myself than to blame others? Blaming myself means I can still change things around. Blaming others means that there's no room for improvement anymore.

And I don't know. I don't know if I should even be blogging this now since I'm angry and I try to refrain from blogging when I'm angry cause I don't want to hurt anyone else but dang it.

When she said that she didn't want to ask her cause she knew she would be too lazy to go out and meet her, instead of feeling honoured that she asked me, I felt cheated out of a good deal.

So you only ask me because you know that I'm willing to travel the distance?

Can't I be lazy too? Who took the choice to be lazy away from me? Myself?

From now on I'm gonna be a goddamn sloth when it comes to you. That's what I'll become. To you all I'm just the friend who's willing to go the distance anyway. A convenient friend to make use of, huh?
Sometimes I really wonder why I try so damn hard for something I know I can never get.

Why oh why, why are you being so damn stupid, Amelia?

No one appreciates kindness in this goddamn fucked up society.

They see kindness as convenience. They see love as investments. Everything is about profit these days. Dammit. I'm disgusting myself with such thoughts.

I just need the love man. Give me the love please.