truth behind cutting?

I've been deliberately blogging this for quite some time now. I'll admit, I'm a coward and I actually care about what people think. I don't usually base my self-image on others' opinions but friends and family matter a lot to me. I have an awkward way of showing it but I really love them and that includes every single one of you reading my blog now.

I've not been okay lately. I don't think I've ever truly been okay. Happiness seems like a faraway goal you know? Everyday will just be another day with the fake smiles and hidden tears. I'll cry but the tears don't take anything away. The pain's still fresh. It's there and I don't know how to deal with it.

To say that I do not know what affects my decisions would be a lie. I know why I'm like this. I just don't think I know how to go about solving it anymore. I've tried volunteer work. I've tried picking up physical exercise but it just doesn't feel right. I don't feel comfortable in my own skin. I hate it so much I'll barf. 

I know I have to deal with the issues that are plaguing my mind but I'm scared. I'm deathly afraid. I've come out to my sisters about the cutting but I'm too scared to tell my parents. I know I need to tell them but I'm afraid. What will they think of me? Will they still love me as much as they do now? Or will they be ashamed of me?

I can't deal with the thought of them being sad because of me. I don't want to be the catalyst that breaks my family apart. We're a Christian family. We pride ourselves on God's love and the grace He has shown us. Cutting, however, is a heinous sin. In Christianity, we believe that Jesus was crucified for our sins and saved us all through His sacrifice. By cutting myself, I'm undermining the sacrifice He had made and destroying the body that was given to me. Essentially, I'm a horrible Christian.

It's not that I don't know about it. I just never really confronted that issue before. I don't want to face it. I'm afraid of what I'll see if I do some deep soul-searching within. I don't want to be labelled as a girl who's afraid of making friends. I don't want to know that I'm hurt. I wish I wasn't hurt. I wish I've let it all go but I haven't. I feel stupid waiting for an apology that will never come but I'm still that stupid fool who's waiting, waiting to give a forgiveness I'll never be able to give.

It's stupid isn't it? It's something from the past, just the little things that you never think will matter but it just sticks to me like paper to glue. I can't forget it. I'll tell myself I've let go but I haven't. I'm pathetic like that.

Before I continue this entry though, I have a confession to make. I cut myself last friday. After 3 years of stopping, I've relapsed. I'm ashamed to admit this but as I was watching the blade slice through my skin and the blood pouring out from the wound, I actually felt happier than I've ever been before. I've felt calmer, like the pain I felt all this while is finally lifted.

I thought it was bloodlust I was high on but thanks to Google, I've found the scientific reason behind it.

“When a person cuts, it calms them down, and that registers in the brain as a calming mechanism,” says Hokemeyer. “Once that happens, it's a behavior that they will always be drawn to for the rest of their lives." 

Cutting is calming, according to Hokemeyer, because “the body releases endorphins, which are the body’s narcotic: they minimize pain by providing a sense of well being.” When our bodies experience pain, Hokemeyer explains, our brains release endorphins to soothe and energize us so we can take action to get out of harm’s way. 

“The pain switches from being emotional to physical,” he says. “The person sees blood coming out and thinks, ‘How great and absolute.’ And that’s satisfying on a certain level because physical pain eventually goes away while emotional pain feels as though it won’t—and it’s that uncertainty which is so unsettling. The devil you know is better than the devil you don’t.”

It explains everything. Really. It's all that I feel and it's really the reason why I cut. I was chatting with BC the other day and I told him this:

"And now that I've did it again I've got to admit it's really way better, like omg better, like wtf have I been doing better. If someone uses tennis to vent their anger, it's okay (to others) but somehow cutting isn't, cause cutting hurts you, but on the other hand, so does hiking and skydiving."

Okay, I'll admit, whatever I was saying doesn't make any sense. It was late at night in my defense. I was partially insane. In any case, my drunken self was trying to say this: Cutting makes me calm, diverts my negative emotions away so why can't I continue to do it?

I know it sounds impulsively dumb and childish. I feel stupid all the time so this doesn't change anything. I guess I'm just tired of fighting temptation. I don't even know what I'm fighting for anymore. For myself? But I've never really liked myself to begin with. I won't care if I die if not for the fact that my death will bring devastation to my family and friends. Despite it all, I care. I still do. I just don't care about myself. Caring means loving and I've stopped loving myself ages ago.

I don't like my reflection in mirrors, did I tell you that? Every morning when I brush my teeth, I don't look at the mirror. I'll stare at the sink instead. Clearly, my spit is more attractive than my face. I don't like to take photos for the same reason either. I don't like looking at the girl who smiles in those photographs and wonder how to smile like that again. Sometimes I wish I can return to the past, just so that I can tell that girl that smiles to keep smiling. I miss her more than anything else.

I used to have big dreams but now, I don't have any. Friends say I'm better in my languages. My family thinks I should have gone into humanities because well, veterinary technology ain't exactly my niche huh? *laughs* Who am I kidding? I'm horrible in it. I know that I am. I just don't think I can even find something I'm good in anymore. 

Here's what it feels like okay: 

You wake up in the morning, avoiding your reflection in the mirror, brushing your teeth and wondering how the hell have you managed to get so many tooth decays. You look around your surroundings in blurred vision and curse your overreliance on spectacles. You knock into chairs before you but you're unfazed. It doesn't matter to you cause the bigger the bruise is, the better. You take a deep breath in then force yourself to stare at your reflection. Count down the seconds. Count down your imperfections in that timespan. You'll wrench your eyes away from the mirror, tell yourself you look pretty and absolutely gorgeous but know that you're lying so horribly to yourself you can't even stop the tears from falling. You'll clench your fists and let the fingernails dig deep into your skin to leave the mark of your existence; the mark that proves you're human. You'll leave the house, pretend you're all bubbly for school, sit on the bus, watch the scenery roll by and wonder if you'll ever find the happy girl in you again. Then you'll resist the urge to cry again and distract yourself with fanfictions on your mobile. School will pass by in a blur cause you'll annoy your partner with so much noise it'll cover the thoughts that are screaming inside your head. Then the night comes and the pain demands to be felt. You're left exhausted as the waves course through you again and again, beating at your already crumbling heart. You'll finally give into the despair, cry as you cuddle with one of the stray cats and sing your heart's desire out. You'll stare at the moon, wonder if God's up there thinking about you but you'll see nothing cause the stars won't even come. No one wants to be there with you. The stray cat walks away with disdain. Your heart breaks as the world crumbles around you. Your vision is no longer in colour but in black and white. You want to cry but all that comes out is a weak bitter laugh. Then, like the past moments haven't occurred, you'll pick yourself up off the ground, school your mask on and walk home, pretending to laugh as you try to think of reasons to do so. And the cycle completes the moment you reach home and let the darkness swallow you whole.

That's just how I feel on a daily basis. Okay, maybe not daily. I certainly don't get bad days like that all the time. I'll say it's just about three days a week. It's enough to make my day suck though. I hate breaking down in tears but it seems like there's all I'm capable of these days. The thing is this, I don't even know what I'm sad about anymore. It just accumulates so much in me I don't know what's the trigger in this huge gigantic mess now.

I'm scared. I've always been but now, more so than ever. Maybe it's cause I've sort of 'relapsed'. Maybe it's cause I've lost the motivation to fight. I just feel so tired all the time and my hands are tired of reaching out for help. It's not like I can ask someone to save me from my thoughts. So who's going to save me now? If I can't even fight for myself, who can save me now?

And I guess the most sucky thing about this whole thing is that this entry is going to upset a lot of my friends reading this and just thinking about that already upsets me because I can totally imagine the look of disappointment on your faces but I guess what's another scar more to an already wounded heart?

Old habits die hard

I cut again. Today, for the first time in years I did it. You know, it doesn't even feel any different. It's the same. I'm on bloodlust.

Feels great if I were to be honest, like a heroin addict getting her fix. The smile after seeing my own blood is probably the most genuine it has ever been. I've found the way to be happy again.

I failed Final Theory. 39/50. Disappointing marks but guess what, cutting helped me release the emotions. I don't even feel the guilt now. Ha. Maybe I really am hopeless.

God, I've sinned again. Will you still save me this time around? Or will you leave me to die? I deserve hell. I know it too. But God, I'm tired. I don't even know who I'm fighting this for anymore. I want somebody to hold me and tell me it's alright to feel this way. Somebody to tell me that hey, I'm as lovable as someone else. I want someone to just listen and be there.

I know it's supposed to be you God. I know it's You, but God, it just feels like I can't get through you like before. Feels like I've been abandoned again and that's probably what drove me to do this anyway. I can't accept being ditched God, I suck at acceptance of rejection.

I know You're there but God, I can't feel You here. I wish so much for Your love to take me away but it's hopeless. Once the worship songs are over, I'll slip away. The thoughts come back to haunt me.

I wanna stay in Your embrace forever. God, I was so optimistic about the future. Now the fragile hope is crushed. I can't do it anymore. I don't wanna get my hopes up and watch it all come crashing down. I'll die.

I'm resigned to my fate God. I have no fighting chance. I'm destined to be a sinner ain't I? Destined to be in hell. Destined to die.

God, for what it's worth, I'm sorry. You gave me everything. There's nothing I could have ask for that you didn't provide. I'm just... me. A broken girl that can never be pieced back together.

God, I'm still praying for my friends to get saved though, I'm praying a sinner's prayer. My friends, they don't know of Your greatness, you surely will give them a chance. They're Your mighty children right? You'll bless them I just know it.

God, this oddly feels like a goodbye letter and I can feel the darkness in me swallowing me whole. I hope I still fight for myself God. I hope Satan doesn't win. I hope I still go to church, to let Your love be the redeeming factor. God, if I were to go to church, will you still save me again?

Or have I expired all the chances you've decided to give me? God, you're amazing. You really are. I feel bad for putting you down.

I love you.

Sorry for sinning but without it I'll die, at least there's false happiness here... but sorry again.

Sorry sorry sorry.

I'm a horrible daughter, a horrible friend, a sinful human too ashamed to be known as the child of God.

Thanks for the love throughout the years.

♥

God... :(

It's been two months since I last updated and you know what? Nothing's changed. I'm still as unhappy as ever, the only exception being that Tingwei is the only person I talk my troubles to now. Why is it, you may ask, well, I have no idea.

I have no idea what I'm doing with my life at this point. Talking to everyone else makes me tired. It isn't even their fault anymore. Why am I being like this again? I'm distancing myself from everyone again. I don't know if anyone noticed. Okay. She did but that may be cause of the diminished number of conversations we had as compared to the past. Funny huh?

I'm constantly with people but nothing's letting up. I'm not changing. I'm opening up to my connect group now more than ever. I've changed connect group by the way. I've started talking to Christians. I've learned to open my heart, lower my shield a little and try to interact with the vast majority of people out there. It's frustrating though. It seems like no matter how much I try it just isn't freaking enough. I can never be comfortable with them. I'll take two steps forward and take two steps back. I can't even be happy for more than a while. What the hell is my problem?

Today is Mummy's birthday. We went to Sushi Tei as a family together to celebrate the occasion. I was walking behind them and watching their backs from afar. It seemed like the perfect family. It seemed like the only family, seemed like I didn't belong.

I've thought about it sometimes. What will happen to my family if I'm not there? Will it be better, or will it be worse? I try so hard to hold onto the thought that my family will be devastated without me but sometimes it's just so easy to not care. It's so easy to just close your eyes and let everything that's clashing within you come to a standstill. It's so easy to hold that breath, watch the dark spots dance around your eyes and feel Death's breath on your lips. It's so easy to give in to the temptations, so easy to lose the fight...

I'm fucked up in my thoughts, I know. I'm just falling apart, watching the broken pieces of my heart fall to the floor dispassionately. My mask is torn. I don't know the feelings that are coursing through my veins now. Is it warmth that I feel, or is it numbing cold? My friends are drifting apart. I am drifting apart. I don't think they even notice. Sometimes I think they don't even care.

It's so selfish of me to think this way but it's really hard to hold onto the truth sometimes y'know? Waking up everyday, finding a reason to get out of bed, a reason to breathe, a reason for me to hold onto life, a reason for me to just feel like I belong in this world, and not the realm of the dead is tough. I don't know if these thoughts are labelled as suicidal or not. I don't feel like dying myself but I'm already dying, you know what I mean?

Each day I go through the same routine again and again without a slightest idea of what is going on. I'm so terrified most of the time I find it hard to ground myself to reality. I escape to the world of fanfiction, drown myself in stories after stories, tell myself that I'm okay, I'm alright and I will be fine. But it isn't true is it? It's never true. I'm just falling down repeatedly and I'm tired of getting up.

I understand being 'emo' is selfish but here's the thing, some people just can't stop being selfish. I am a selfish person to the core. I know it. I recognise it but I can't for fuck's sake help it. I don't know why those rude words exit my mouth either. I don't know why I'm being such a jerk to the people around me but I can't help it. I can't help myself.

Days like these are the days I just want to go back to my previous coping mechanism; cutting. It makes the world an easier place to live in. It keeps those dark thoughts at bay and fill it with other senseless ones instead. Is it better? I don't know. Fear's just been such a HUGE part of my life I'm not sure what it's like to live without it anymore.

I'll pray but I don't believe. I know God can heal me. I know God is my Saviour but just the thought of facing God ever fills me with shame. I feel unworthy, dirty and so so guilty. The shame seeps out of my pores, the dirt clings to my frame. I don't feel like I can ever get rid of it and those scars, those stupid scars are mocking me for the temptations I've succumbed to and the sins I've committed.

I'm just so tired. God, will there really come a day I'll wake up and actually smile? Will there come a day that the tears on my face will stop flowing, a day when my fears ceased to exist and faith fills me up instead? You've given me hope, God but it's so fragile and it's fading. I hate to be so faithless but the alternative just fills me with so much fear, God, so much fear...

I keep screwing up God. In clinics, in everywhere, I just keep repeating the same mistakes again and again. I don't even know why. I just keep doing it over and over again like an idiot. Like a stupid idiot. I don't even know what to do anymore. I'm not good at anything and I lack passion for anything at all. No wait, that's not true. I love music. My heart beats for it, but God, I ain't good at it either. I'll practice but it's just never enough.

I'm taking piano lessons from Yilian with Nelli but it's just impossible God. It throws me back to the times when I always feel like I'm not good enough. It starts a crippling cycle of negativity. I'm afraid, God, I don't want to go back there again. I'm not sure I'll have enough willpower to stop myself this time. Not sure if God, you'll get through me like you did previously.

God, the negative thoughts, they're back again. They've always been at the back of my mind, whispering into my heart, tearing my walls down. It's so hard sometimes. Feels like I have nothing to hold onto, nothing to anchor my heart to. My family relationships are falling apart and so are my friendships, God, is there ever a chance of restoration?

Is it my fault? I can't help but feel that it is. Why am I being so petty God? All these hurt that I can't let go just because I'm being a bitch... Why? God, oh why? :( Can I spam sad faces? Cause that's how I feel now. Just sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad...

Is there another word to describe sadness? Cause I feel like I'm just spamming the word again and again. Help me God, save me please. It's just so difficult sometimes. I don't want to go back to the past. I don't want to lose my heart. I want to gain control of my mind back again. Please. I want to wake up to good thoughts, to smiles, to just all the positivity that's been buried somewhere in this broken shell of me. God, I know you can return the smiles to me. I'll pray God, I'm still praying...

God, I really wanna smile again. I want to stand up for myself. I want to be able to hug people, talk to them, kiss them on their cheeks, lay my head on their shoulders. I want to be able to comfort them with the right words, help others like me out of this chain of negative thoughts. God, I want to be able to be comfortable with my Christian friends, play games with them, laugh with them. I want to feel the confidence seep back into me God. I want to just be carefree and not let the world hold me down. I want to be able to build a relationship with you God. I want to smile. God I want to smile so desperately.

Can I just look at my reflection and be happy with it? I'll be so happy if that day is possible. God, it's okay for me to hope right? It's going to come to past right? A vision that you've placed in me... God, I can afford to hope... right?

God,

I love you.

And I'm sorry for all the things I've done, so sorry for all the hurt I've caused others, so so sorry for denying you in the past, sorry sorry.

Sorry that my sorries are never enough. Sorry that I can't remember to hold onto you. Sorry that I just keep forgetting that you're there. Sorry that I'm still trying to live up to the expectations of my greed. Sorry that I keep taking credit for what you've done. Sorry, sorry, sorry and sorry.

And sorry cause God, why do you even love me? I don't even love myself, God. I look at myself and all I feel is deep bone hatred. I hate myself so much I could literally punch myself in the face and be okay with it. God, the urge to self-harm is to tempting God. I feel like I'm drowning sometimes. Dying in my own thoughts, trapped by my own mind...

God, I really need you man. I really really need you. I don't know how to even function as a human being without you. I can't even live without you. You're the one who makes another day worth living. You're the reason I'm breathing. You're the one who takes the pain away. You take the thoughts in me and crush them at their roots. God, you vanish all my doubts and shine light into my darkness. God, teach me please. I don't know how to hold onto you. I think I forgot how, God, what if one day I forget you're there and do something I regret? God. :(

I love you even though I think I don't have the right to. :( God...

I'm sorry. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Sorry...

Sorry.

Sorry that I'm such a wreck all the time. Sorry for always being this useless me. Sorry for everything that I've done oh God, I'm sorry. So so sorry. I hate that I'm always back to square one. I hate that I doubt you when trouble comes and believe you when everything's smooth sailing. God, I'm thinking of my FTT on friday and I know I'm going to fail and I'm not even surprised that I'm going to fail but I'm thinking I should pray to you to ask for you to help me but I know I don't even deserve it anyway so God I'm confused.

I'm confused why I still think of myself as unworthy after so long. God, is there ever a way out of this? Will I ever smile again? :( God... help?

:(

God, I... I just can't anymore. It's breaking apart. Everything is. I can't even talk to anyone. They don't understand. They think I'm breaking down cause I had enough. It's not true God. It's not. I'm breaking down cause I don't have enough. I don't think I ever will. :( God. Can I live this once? I just hate this. Hate me. Hate everything that has to do with me. I feel like bashing my head against the wall sometimes, watch my blood seep out of my wounds, feel the life leaving this body behind...

God. I'm hopeless. Hopeless. :(

I'm holding onto Jeremy Camp's There Will Be A Day.. I'm trying so hard to believe, trying so hard to believe... trying so hard to believe..

God, it's okay right? :( :( :( I can hope this time around cause you're with me. I know I'm not alone. I'm not alone cause you're always with me. You won't forsake me. You're with me. You're with me. YOU'RE WITH ME.

Okay God. I'll take deep breaths in. I'll learn to be myself again. God. I can do it with you.. right? Okay. Okay. I'm gonna just calm myself down and listen to There Will Be A Day repeatedly. God, I'll let your love wash over me okay? I'll do this. I'll hold onto You. I can't ever let go anymore. You're all I need, more than what I can possibly imagine and everything, just everything that I so desperately crave for.

God, I'll try. I'll try so God, help me? Walk with me? Never forsake me? I'll die, no even worse than death is what will become of me if you abandon me but you won't right? Damn it. I'm doubting you again. I don't want to God, why am I being like this again? God. :( :( :(

I'm sorry. :((((((

Sorry
sorry
sorry
sorry..

I'm such a wreck now. :( GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD.

:( I love you and I'm sorry. :(((

I really miss smiling. Feels like it's been ages since I genuinely smiled. When I hung out with S yesterday, I felt the gap between us. The distance seemed so wide I'm afraid I'm not able to cross it. I was being such a jerk yesterday. No correct that, I'm being a jerk to everyone.

I'm sorry but why? God, why am I being like this? I HATE MYSELF SO MUCH NOW. I'm letting those negative feelings control me and dictate how I live. I'm in hiding and in denial.

I don't feel like talking to people anymore. I don't even feel like stepping out of the house. I rather be alone, like today. Today's fun cause I was at home alone. No nagging, no talking, nothing. The silence was amazing. ^^

But tomorrow's bad. Tomorrow I'm meeting with her. Tomorrow I'm going for connect group. Tomorrow I'm going to meet with people again.

God, I feel like I'm shrinking. I feel so small now. I don't know why all those negative feelings returned. I just want to be left alone. I've hurt so many people I feel bad over my actions. Yet why am I like this?

Even talking to TW makes me tired... even TW...

Is there really no hope for me? My emotions are a whirlwind but my mind's in utter chaos.

I just wanna say sorry. Sorry to the friends and family who love me. I love you too, I just don't know why I'm like this.

Sorry....