I'm so tired of the racing thoughts in my head. Just shaddap alr. Shaddap.

Take a step back and it's goodbye

You know why I like studying so much? Because when you're studying, you can drown out all the voices inside your head, be it the voice of the glorious angel or the ashamed accusations you're trying to hide.

I talked to her today and guess what? Nothing's changed. She can give me as many reasons as she wants to but it doesn't matter. A justified reason doesn't negate the pain. The only way to resolve it is through love and forgiveness, something I cannot perform until I have seen it duly performed to me.

And I can't love her anymore and I really do not bother myself over her tears. It appears to be her unconscious ploy of emotional manipulation and I won't let my heart entertain it even for one minute.

I'm done. Like done. Like done with giving excuses, done with hurting myself done. It's over. I'm killing that part of her in me.

I shouldn't have expected anything to begin with.

And now I've realised my mistake. I've learned my lesson. No expectations, no disappointments. No disappointments, I'll be a happier person. It's really over huh?

It's time to let the chapter of her in my life draw to a close. I'm tired of beating myself up over this. I'll never tell her how much I wish she was a better leader than Crusade. Never. Because that will be betraying the secret expectations I have for her in my tiny trembling heart.

And I'm done.

Good bye, I guess? It was nice being under your "leadership" but now, it's over.

Saenvious

My cousin scored really well for his exams. A+ for every philosophy module except for one and his lowest grade's a B+. That's like scarily smart, like genius like smart. Suddenly, I feel incredibly dumb.

I know my grades are quite good considering I have no background in literature but I'm not satisfied and I think it's because somehow along the way I've associated academic achievements with personal success and that's stupid.

In all honesty though I'm happy for my cousin. I'm just unhappy that I'm unhappy over this yknow?

I wish I have the burning passion to study my major like how he does it but the truth is, I find myself doubting my choices more often than not especially when it comes to my choice of modules.

...

I picked up advanced level in Chinese. I don't know why but I did. Maybe it's because I loved China Studies in poly. Maybe it's because it helped me grow as a person and that feeds into my bilingual dreams. I don't know but I love Chinese and the thought of not speaking it ever again terrifies me more than I think.

Maybe I'll regret it. Maybe I won't. Truth is, I'll probably still stick with it cause that's how I roll. I make wrong choices over and over again and constantly sink myself into a pool of regret.

#truestory

A moment of fear

I don't know how to explain it but sometimes I just get this insane urge to run away from everyone, like I'm trying to scrub the scents of others off me and just get out of my own skin.

And it's happening now. It feels like I can't breathe in the space everyone is in. I need my own bubble, my very own personal space.

It's hard to explain it in words that people can understand. It's just this sense of fear that everyone's gonna take over you and soon there'll be nothing left in you in the end.

Been feeling off ever since service ended and if I really had a choice, I wouldn't have stayed on. I need to run, remove every trace of everything on me and just focus on what's inside and breathe.

I feel so tense. Like I'm afraid the predator will leap onto my coward self and tear my body into infinite pieces as I bleed from each gaping wound and secretly pray for death.

I'm being over dramatic again. I think the crowd just got into me. For now I guess, I just have to hide out in the toilet and try to calm myself down before facing the world again.

Is this the start of social anxiety? I don't know but as the date of the semester nears, my fear steadily increases and cripples me.

But I'm no longer relinquishing any power to it. I need to take control of my life and speak faith into my future instead.

It's just a small moment of fear and this moment will soon pass me behind.

I can do all things in Christ who strengthens me.

Good day ahead everyone~

I wish I have the courage

I hope that one day I'll be able to publish this blog to tell others like me that there really isn't anything for you to be embarassed about.

I just read the Straits Times (ST) article. Apparently, 60% - 70% of youths cut in their lives and some don't even stop this habit. My heart just broke at the statistics. It's more than half of our teen population. What can I do to help them now? :(

ST went on to quote that most teens cut in places where no one would see like their inner arms and inner thighs etc. I'm just like, duh! Do you expect them to cut in your face? They don't want people to know they're cutting so of course they won't do it in places that their scars may be seen. -.-

And the stereotype of cutters or self-harmers wearing long sleeved clothes should be erased because self-harmers are not that dumb to wear long-sleeves in a tropical country like Singapore. We'll stand out immediately.

So there's really no sign you can spot in a self-harmer unless she chooses to share her emotions with you. Depression or any other mental illness is often an individualistic one. You face it alone when everybody's watching. You lost the ability to seek help ages ago.

That's why I've been thinking of publishing this blog. I'm thinking of the people out there, young teens who are suffering in the silence and secretly crying out for help but can't seem to find it? Yeah. It's for them. Because I was once like them and I, to a certain extent, understand how it feels like. :(

I just don't have the courage to do it, I guess. I'm still praying for that courage every single day. :(

Wish me luck, yeah? (One day I'll write it all out)