You know why I like studying so much? Because when you're studying, you can drown out all the voices inside your head, be it the voice of the glorious angel or the ashamed accusations you're trying to hide.
I talked to her today and guess what? Nothing's changed. She can give me as many reasons as she wants to but it doesn't matter. A justified reason doesn't negate the pain. The only way to resolve it is through love and forgiveness, something I cannot perform until I have seen it duly performed to me.
And I can't love her anymore and I really do not bother myself over her tears. It appears to be her unconscious ploy of emotional manipulation and I won't let my heart entertain it even for one minute.
I'm done. Like done. Like done with giving excuses, done with hurting myself done. It's over. I'm killing that part of her in me.
I shouldn't have expected anything to begin with.
And now I've realised my mistake. I've learned my lesson. No expectations, no disappointments. No disappointments, I'll be a happier person. It's really over huh?
It's time to let the chapter of her in my life draw to a close. I'm tired of beating myself up over this. I'll never tell her how much I wish she was a better leader than Crusade. Never. Because that will be betraying the secret expectations I have for her in my tiny trembling heart.
And I'm done.
Good bye, I guess? It was nice being under your "leadership" but now, it's over.
No comments:
Post a Comment