Nobody cares

So damn fed up with social commitments and all those damn things. I feel like a ticking bomb just waiting to explode anytime now. Like wtf man wtf. Every weekend is wasted away just like that. I don't even know what the fuckity fuck I'm doing with my life seriously. Where in hell has all my time gone to?

I just wanna hide in a corner of a cave or something. Being human is difficult. Socialising is tough. Being a lonely island is the best. I DO NOT HAVE TO DEAL WITH FUCKING SHITS.

My sister is mad at me because I accidentally spilled water on the floor while I was drying my clothes and she took a giant fall and now she's angry that I didn't apologise and didn't even ask her if she's fine.

Seeing as she got up two seconds after lying on the ground and proceeded to wash her own shorts while bitching at me, I do not see why I have to ask her if she is fine when she seems to me to be perfectly okay. As for the not apologising part, well, I was going to but she made such a huge deal of it my pride wouldn't allow me anymore. BESIDES, it's not like she gave a shit about me anyway. How about the time I fell in bloody Pulau Ubin? Not like anyone bloody cared right? The scars on my legs, the cuts on my thigh and my obviously bruised and shattered self esteem? Do they even care? I walked home drenched in the rain for HOURS and no one noticed a thing. I've gotten so good at hiding I don't even know why I bother anymore. It's not like anyone's seeing a damn thing right?

Should have just let the car bang me yesterday and die on the street or something. Maybe that'll tell my sister something. Like hey, you took a fall and you're bitching about it like fuck, how about your younger sister who almost bloody died yesterday for no bloody reason at all? How about that?

My regular friends gave no shit to that. It was my uni friend who called and asked me if I was okay. During that heavy rain, I'll admit it, I cried. Because I suddenly realised how goddamn alone I was in this giant huge piece of earth. And guess what sister? Nobody cares.

:(

I screwed up my presentation. Didn't prepare enough for it and basically had my theory debunked during lecture. It's not like I'm expecting a lot either you know? I'm just trying to survive but sometimes it gets a little too much.

I want my nature therapy. My moments with the trees, the plants and just the chirps of birds speaking to my soul only. I'm so tired of English Literature today. It pisses me off that I've underprepared for this presentation. Pisses me off that somehow my life is slipping through my damn hands and I can't do a thing.

I lied to her that I had to go Daiso. Truth is, I wanted to go Daiso, not needed. I want to be alone now and I want nature or my stray cats with me, but they're all in AMK and none of them are here. I'm alone.

Please just let this day be over.

Fear returned

I told myself to not be afraid any longer but it isn't working today. I'm panicking on the inside while trying to remain calm. I wonder how long will this facade last. How much more will it take out of me before this act is finally dropped.

I want to be positive dammit. I want to smile but sometimes it really is tough you know? When they called and started complaining about their circumstances, honestly I really understood them, I did, but when they were envious of my schooling in comparison to their situation I got pissed. They say I sound like I'm having the time of my life. I laugh like a maniac because they don't know the fear concealed behind this laughter.

I've been making huge leaps since the place I first came from but now, everything just feels so tiring. I'm half-tempted to just limit my social life to these few people just cause I'm so tired of maintaining the charade anymore.

School has its stress too, okay? We all have our own sets of personal demons to deal with. Mine just likes to laugh more than others.

:(

Even a sad emoji isn't enough to contain how I feel.

I'm afraid I won't make through this sometimes. I don't think bad thoughts but today it's just different. I've done nothing. I've no ideas. I'm staring at the essay and nothing's coming to me. When I was in CCA just now, I was scared and I didn't even know why. I still don't. It's like the invisible presence of fear has invaded my life again and I'm so scared beneath this tough exterior. So scared of losing myself again.

Sometimes I just feel so alienated from them. They don't get how I feel at times. They don't know I laugh to hide my tears.

Because I forgot how to cry but I still can fake a laugh and they don't know that. They don't know me.

I still believe by Jeremy Camp

Scattered words and empty thoughts

seem to pour from my heart

I've never felt so torn before

seems I don't know where to start

but it's now that I feel Your grace falls like rain 

from every fingertip, washing away my pain

I still believe in Your faithfulness

I still believe in Your truth

I still believe in Your holy word

even when I don't see, I still believe

The only place I can go is into Your arms

where I throw to You my feeble prayers

in brokenness I can see that this was Your will for me

Help me to know You are near

I still believe - Jeremy Camp

Hanging onto the hope in my heart that everything is of Your will and that every single event in my life is predestined for success because I am a child of God.

I love you, God.

(the highlighted part made me teared up a little)