Fear returned

I told myself to not be afraid any longer but it isn't working today. I'm panicking on the inside while trying to remain calm. I wonder how long will this facade last. How much more will it take out of me before this act is finally dropped.

I want to be positive dammit. I want to smile but sometimes it really is tough you know? When they called and started complaining about their circumstances, honestly I really understood them, I did, but when they were envious of my schooling in comparison to their situation I got pissed. They say I sound like I'm having the time of my life. I laugh like a maniac because they don't know the fear concealed behind this laughter.

I've been making huge leaps since the place I first came from but now, everything just feels so tiring. I'm half-tempted to just limit my social life to these few people just cause I'm so tired of maintaining the charade anymore.

School has its stress too, okay? We all have our own sets of personal demons to deal with. Mine just likes to laugh more than others.

:(

Even a sad emoji isn't enough to contain how I feel.

I'm afraid I won't make through this sometimes. I don't think bad thoughts but today it's just different. I've done nothing. I've no ideas. I'm staring at the essay and nothing's coming to me. When I was in CCA just now, I was scared and I didn't even know why. I still don't. It's like the invisible presence of fear has invaded my life again and I'm so scared beneath this tough exterior. So scared of losing myself again.

Sometimes I just feel so alienated from them. They don't get how I feel at times. They don't know I laugh to hide my tears.

Because I forgot how to cry but I still can fake a laugh and they don't know that. They don't know me.