Reflecting

So my results came out today and I'm not too sure how I feel about my grades. I'm happy that I passed everything and to be honest they are all within my expectations but to see the actual concrete numbers is still disorientating for me. I feel lost. Robbed from the disappointments I was expecting yet eluded from the happiness I am trying to capture. I'm at a standstill and I don't know how to feel about it.

I've decided to leave the house after a while. I need to do something with my hands you know? I need to go out there and verbally process my thoughts about this situation.

I'm still not sure where I'm supposed to go but I'll just keep walking cause I know that my feet will eventually take me to somewhere where I can be alone.

Me-time is so precious to me these days. I know the holidays are ending soon and I won't be able to spend much time alone anymore so I'm really treasuring this time I have now to reflect upon my actions and what I have accomplished in 2015.

A new year is just awaiting me.  It's time for me to set new goals to accomplish. I don't know if I've accomplished what I said in 2014 (I'll look back later) but I sure hope that I am a better person now than before.

At least in my mental state I can assure myself that I've improved tremendously. And church wise too, so that's great to hear, but for my remaining friendships, well, I've screwed up some and let some people down.

Time is so precious to me these days and I always end up promising others more than what I can handle. I shouldn't do that anymore I know, but sometimes I just can't help it.

I guess I'll think more as time passes. What are my goals for 2016? It's time for self reflection, Amelia.

啊啊啊

Exhausted

What does it say about me that I genuinely don't care when I have conflicts with others?

With the argument I have with her and my mum and now another one with another friend... well, I'm just really sick and tired of everything.

I can't bring myself to care at the moment about friendships and shit. Maybe it's just easier if I don't promise anything at all. God dammit.

I'm so tired. Like both physically and mentally exhausted. I cannot deal with conflicts anymore. My heart's already shutting down. It's like it's too much of a chore to care now. I just hate it all.

I'm tired. I've been meeting so many friends, catching up on shit and all that. It's just a huge jump from the me time I had in the past few days and I want a break from people.

I'm so tired now to be honest. I've already apologised to the people I have let down but if they don't forgive me I really don't care already.

Maybe I'm just destined to be alone wtf.

It's easier being alone.

Fine

Had 45 minutes of listening to DBSK's music.

Now I'm all better yay! :]

That's why I love DBSK man. They're awesome. ♥♥

Numb

When your brain shuts down and nothing just makes sense anymore and your voice doesn't work because you don't want to sing you just want to scream.

I regret.

I shouldn't have come here because now I'm drowning again and I can't make a sound.

Great.

Let's wait for this cycle of sadness to start again.

I'm going crazy

Okay it's been barely a minute and I'm blogging again. I think I'm going crazy. I just want to go home already. I'm so tired of everything now.

I just want to go home.

I don't like these memories assaulting my mind. They fill me with so much sadness and regret and I can't help thinking that things would have been different if only I took the time to meet her or him.

'Cause what do you say now that everything is over? What do you say now that the past is gone forever?

I miss you?

That doesn't even cover it. That doesn't cover anything. I'm covered and dying.

I am so sorry. So damn sorry.

Today is just not a good day to be out man. It's just emo day for me. Probably hormones and shit dammit. How else can I explain myself? Cause this behaviour I have is really fucking irrational now.

I'm so scared sometimes I don't want to look to the future.

You know the feeling when you know you have to let go of your past to move into the future?

It fucking hurts and I hate that part the most. I still don't want to let go of everything because they mean so much to me but if I let them hold me back I'll be dead.

I had a friend suggest that I consume alcohol instead of cutting. I told him no because I knew it didn't work cause that fucking day on my fucking 18th birthday that was what I was trying to do but I failed and no matter how much I drank I just couldn't forget.

Hahaha. We're all addicts. We're just of different sorts.

Relationships?
Love?
Pain?
Sadness?

We're all addicted to feelings. I'm just sinking into ones of sadness.

Sometimes I wish I have a panic attack just so that something can finally happen with this crippling fear overwhelming me instead of it just being there.

Fuck.

:'(

Listening to others sing 那些年 in the KTV.

Secretly reminiscing...
Secretly crying...

Because I first heard this song during the time my grandmother was dying and every word 胡夏 sings just pierces through my heart.

那些年错过的爱情
好想告诉你我没有忘记
那天晚上满天星星
星星是空下的约定
再一次相遇我会紧紧抱着你。

紧紧抱着你....

Of course, I now have better memories associated with this song, happier memories that have been made with happier people around me, but sometimes, alone by myself listening to this song, well, it still gets me everytime.

I miss you but everything is just too late now.

a night at the swings

I sat on the swing and allowed the currents of the wind to sweep me away. In my ears, the music played as I closed my eyes against the blurred images flashing across my mind. I could hear the voices singing in my head but I shut them out and allowed my mind to reach a state of complete blankness. 

There was nothing I saw but darkness and my heart slowed with each impending beat. I tried to run away but no matter where I ran, I could not escape it. How does one run away from her past? How does one begin her first steps to recovery? 

I don't know.

Some part of me believes that I will never make it and a huge part of me agrees. It's funny. They always say that the mind is at conflict with the heart and when choosing between the two, the heart is always the right choice to make.

But what do you do when your heart is the one that tells you to cut? 

What do you do when your mind isn't in conflict with your thoughts?

What do you do when every part of you thinks you deserve this self-inflicted punishment?

It's difficult sometimes. It's like 80% of my mind agrees that cutting is therapeutic and that it will help me in the long run to live longer. I find myself comparing cutting to a sport. It's just another way to destress and I actually have myself convinced, and I do it again.

Again and again,

 until there is nothing in me left.

And now I cannot tell the difference between cutting and me. I can no longer see the boundaries. What exists before this habit? What exists after this habit? Is there even a me?

Looking into the mirror, staring at your reflection and you're just wondering: Who is this girl? I don't recognise her. She looks different. She looks disgusting. I hate her. She is not me. She is not me.

She is not me, but who is me?

I flipped open my past photo albums and I stared at the girl in the photo. She was smiling at the camera, her untidy teeth on display for everyone to see. I saw her and I didn't know who she was. I should know her. She shares the same features as me. She has my exact eyes, my pimple scars, my out of shaped eyebrows... She has everything that made me me but I still did not know who she was. I just knew she was not me...

A strong gust of wind sended the wisp strands of my hair directly into my lips. I licked them and they were salty. I did not know it but my body was crying and the tear tracks were drying on my face. I hated it. I hated the sight of them all for they reminded me that something was wrong and I hated it, so I screamed. I screamed loud into the trees as my trembling hands gripped the metal chains of the swing. I screamed until I could no longer hear myself. I screamed until the voices in my head were muted beneath the fog.

It did not stop the tears from pouring but it kept me from breaking. Then, the silence returned. My mind was blank again and darkness greeted me like a familiar friend. It was all silent until bit by bit, I could heard the swing groaning beneath my weight. I did not know it then but touching the cool surface of the metal chains that were holding the swing in place, it felt very much like my scattered thoughts that were jumping across my brain. It was breaking under the pressure and its demise was only a matter in time.

I knew it but I did not bother. I knew it but I could not bother. The thought of it scared me, that something that was regarded so sturdy by others could easily snap within the next minute, that something that was so strong on the outside said nothing about its inherent strength.

More importantly, I was scared because I knew that the swing was me and I was the swing. I knew that I was breaking, that it would just be in a matter in time before the chains on my mind broke and I would drift away.

It was scary but something in me told me to hold on.

It was not a flaming passion of hope. It was not even a spark. It was just a word but it held me through the rest of the night. It was faith.

The wallpaper on my phone that spoke faith.

And I could not say a word in reply. Everything was shut within me and not a single word escaped me. I was feeling so much at once. I had so much anger, so much frustration and just so much sadness at that single word that it infuriated me upon looking at it.

Have faith?

My mind would scoff at me. My heart would laugh at me.

Have faith? As though all the problems in my world can be solved by a single word? Who was I kidding? If I had so much faith at the start, I would not have ended up like this, crying to myself in the middle of the night like the pathetic girl that I was. If faith could solve me, I would not have broke in the first place.

If faith was for me, it would have helped me.

If faith was with me, I would not be who I am.

If faith was in me, I would not have lost it.

If faith was even allowed near me, I would have been much much more stronger and I would have won against all the temptations that the devil has thrown against me.

And the battle in my mind just raged on and on and the voices in my head just grew louder and louder till I could not take it anymore and I opened my mouth to scream again because I did not know what to do or even how to react to a situation like this so I just screamed and I screamed and I screamed until I exhausted out all my tears and my voice was tattered and torn as I laid in the shattered pieces of my emotions.

I screamed me out and my fatigue self stared at the lit screen of my phone.

"Faith"

And then, something clicked. That was just it. I cannot explain a feeling like this to you. It was just it. It became everything I was looking for and in that instant, everything just made sense to me. The pieces of the puzzle just fit together in one solid click. The chains stopped rattling and the tears stopped flowing.

"Faith, it was faith."

 I cannot describe it to you if you have never felt the same way as me before, not if you have never allowed yourself to sink into despair, not if you have never felt the despair clawing away at your heart until there is nothing left, for how do I explain hope to you when I can scarcely find any words to describe the feelings that I felt that night?

It was just a little tiny spark but for my dried battered heart, it was fire and it burned me alive. It sent my soul shaking and my heart quivering. For once, I was alive. I was not trapped or confined or even fighting with myself anymore. I was free. It was just a second in time but it was everything I needed. 

Finally, finally I found out who I really was.

It wasn't the past and it wasn't the present.

It was the future and the future was me.

I am not the cheerful girl from the past and I am not the depressed girl in the present.

I am the girl with hope and I am a girl battling for life.

I am me.

And though the epiphany moment went away as quickly as the wind, it was more than enough for me to fight the temptations away for one more day. Underneath me, the swing still groaned under my weight. Beside me, the chains still trembled to hold the swing up.

But above me, the moon was smiling and it was guarding me from afar.

It isn't going to get better now but it will get better eventually.

It was faith.

And faith helped me through another night at the swings.

Fucking stupid humans

I didn't want to post about this at first but the more I thought about it, the more irritated I got. I had a conversation with one of the CCA mates I met at the chalet and these are what the words he said when I shared with him some stories with being a vet technician.

"My religion will never allow me to kill a life." (When I was talking about euthanasia)

"How can you speak so calmly when you talk about killing an animal?"

You know what, FUCK YOU.

Fuck you and your high-handed ass. You're against animal lab testing right? Then don't you dare fucking take a single drug. Don't you dare to even fucking breathe cause you're stealing precious oxygen from the animals. And when your family is sick or when you yourself are old sick and dying, don't you dare to ask for a medicine cause fuck you, those drugs came from animal lab testing too.

And you ask me why I'm so damn fucking calm? I'll tell you why you fucking little fucker. I've seen a human die before. WHAT ELSE AM I AFRAID OF YOU FUCKING LITTLE FUCKER? You tell me.

I watch life seep out of my grandmother's eyes every day. I perform every single IV drip with the trepidation that I'll make a mistake and a little air bubble will escape my notice and the fucking animal will die of air embolism.

You come and tell me why I'm so numb to death? BECAUSE DEATH IS FUCKING EVERYWHERE.

And animals aren't the only ones dying. You! Stupid humans like you are causing more animals to fucking die because we can't invent drugs or new cures for the stupid fucking diseases that kill them.

YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT HUMANITY WITH ME?

Well, let's fight. How about the fact that you're preventing literally MILLIONS of animals from getting the cure they deserve huh? How about that? What? You didn't know? There's another way to test the effectiveness of drugs?

IF YOU HAVE ANOTHER WAY OF TESTING THE FUCKING DRUG, TELL ME. Until then, stop fucking telling me that animal testing is wrong because we are doing the dirty jobs you don't want to do.

Stay in your fucking conceited world then. Look at your safe world of peace and continue believing that you love animals and you wanna advocate for their damn rights.

BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT, ALL THE DRUGS THAT WE ARE TESTING THE ANIMALS ON, THEY ARE FOR FUCKING MORONS LIKE YOU.

Do you really think it doesn't pain us to kill an animal? Do you really think it doesn't make our hearts feel like they have been ripped to a million pieces when we make a mistake and an animal dies?

I can still remember every single death on my hands. I can still see the fucking trust in their eyes when you put them to sleep so don't you come and preach to me about animal cruelty. You don't fucking try.

You can try and say that I'm cruel or fucking heartless but don't you dare talk about animal lab testing.

Wait till your loved ones is in desperate need for the drug to survive and we'll see if you're still against lab animal testing you gigantic fucker.

JUST FUCK YOU AND YOUR HIGH-HANDED HORSE THAT YOU RODE ON.

losing my cats

There are days when I really regret leaving The Cat Museum (TCM) as a volunteer and today is one of those days. Hearing her talk about the cats with such familiarity makes me envious and I cannot help but wish that I was her.

Many people always ask me why I've transferred from my diploma in Veterinary Technology to my major now in English Literature. To them, they are two worlds apart and I'm insane for even attempting to bridge that gap. I wish I have an answer for them but sometimes, I think I don't even know why.

Why am I doing what I've been doing with my life? I love it at TCM. Cats have always been a huge part of my life. Why then did I leave it all behind?

She told me of her donations to the animal shelters and I just felt so ashamed of myself. Here I am, a self proclaimed cat lover who thought she was influencing the world a little when the truth is her actions mattered not in the big picture and compared to her, I was nothing.

And I miss her or rather I miss being the old me. I sacrificed my time to volunteer and advocate for cats, now, I do nothing. I've lost all passions. I've ruined certain friendships. I can't honestly say that I like my life now. I still hate what I've done to it.

I want to run away from it all. Not because I hate it, but because living this life I have now will remove me from nature one day, I just know it. Every single day I breathe, some part of me acknowledges that fact and dies inside of me.

I'm gonna lose everything.

And that terrifies me beyond belief. My cats, my love for them... They're all going to be gone one day. They're already disappearing from my life right now.

I spent so little time with them. Only Avery and PBC recognises me now. All the cats I used to play with have gone, just like the vanishing trace of the girl who used to seek them.

I'm fading away and soon there'll be nothing left in me.

I've gained so much more in return, don't get me wrong, but I've lost so much too, and now the regrets are hitting me with their full force and I just want to sink down on my knees and cry.

I'm losing my cats. I'm losing them all.

My Father

He holds me in His arms
and never lets me go,
guiding me with His light
during my darkest nights.

He treats my soul with love
and places in me doves,
so I will feel His peace
and my waters will not stir.

My trust in Him will waver
but His grace is ever stable.
I need not fear His presence,
for my heart is now His treasure.

and in my sins, I pray with fervor
for I know my Lord will always answer.

braugh

I hate feeling so goddamn frustrated. It's like no matter what I do I can't get rid of this anger burning beneath my skin. Like dammit. I don't want to sink in goddamn self-pity right now but all this turmoil is just threatening to overwhelm me.

Maybe I should just stop writing, stop diy-ing and just throw myself into nature and be a goddamn stoned statue cause why the hell not? Being a statue is easy. It requires no effort dammit.

Life is too tiring.

EDIT: That's why X Japan exists in my life.

Listen to Kurenai on full blast man. The metal rock is fucking amazing.

fuck this shit

WASTED FOUR FUCKING PIECES OF PAPER AND I STILL CAN'T BLOODY WATER PAINT LIKE WHAT THE FUCK.

It's not that I expected it to be easy either but I just did not expect that I wouldn't be able to paint a single shit out. Like wtf man. So much for water painting being therapeutic. It just makes me so fucking pissed I can't even think.

THE COLOURS JUST WON'T WORK RIGHT. And somehow it sounds like my bloody life.

I just fucking hate it so much when you're so hyped to do something and in the end it turns out to be shit despite your best efforts. AND I HATE THAT I CAN'T FUCKING DRAW RIGHT NOW TOO.

I can't do anything and it's pissing me off. I failed sewing, failed drawing and it's like pissing me off so damn much I can't think straight. AND THIS IS SUPPOSED TO CALM ME DOWN.

Can't fucking yoga either.

Maybe that's why cutting has always been an easy resort because let's be real, it's fucking easy to split open your skin with a knife. Any idiot can do that, not that I'm doing it right now.

I just want to be good at something for once, dammit.

scrabbled thoughts

I'm sorry for the things that I have done, sorry that it took me so long to realise what's wrong and I hate that with each time that this happens, I lose more of me away and that makes me scared because I know that though the light will be shining through at the end of the tunnel, there would be no point in that if I wasn't there to greet it.

I guess I'm afraid of shattering into a million pieces and never being able to piece myself back together.

"He hears, yet he does not hear. The words seem foreign to him. Once comprehensible, they now were incredibly vague and far away. Where is he? Is he still in his bunk sitting on his bed? Are his feet still firmly planted on the ground? He tries to wiggle his toes but he cannot feel them from here. He supposes they must be there; either that or they have rotten off his foot. Or feet, how can one ever be sure?

Oh. He exhales a breath of air. He gets it now. He is gone! Like the dandelion carried by the wind, he has dispersed into the thin air, with bits and pieces flying all over until there is nothing left in the air but him. He is everywhere. He sees the Eiffel Tower in Paris, the Great Wall of China, Taj Mahal in India, and the Grand Canyon in all its glory. He is there now, sitting over the edge of the cliff as he contemplates the drop below. His eyes are glazed over as he listens to the abyss beneath his gaze calling out to him.

He opens his eyes. The stupid birds will not stop chirping. They continue chirping over the din and it is starting to annoy him. No matter how incredibly dark and noisy the abyss is, it pales in comparison to the horrible tunes the birds are singing. Where do the birds come from any way? He glares at the trees beyond the distance. The birds are disrupting the silence and they are ruining every moment of tranquillity he has. Who do they think they are?

He looks down at the abyss and thinks of the birds. No, there is no hesitation. Lifting up his foot, he takes his final plunge,

And he wakes to darkness."

A short excerpt from my own fanfic because I drew a lot on my own feelings to write this bit. Maybe it'll be easier to comprehend if it's being placed like this or rather typed like this.

I'm sorry, my thoughts are all over the place and I probably don't make a lot of sense.

I'm ending it here then. Goodbye.

beautiful

I've been enjoying my holidays so much, I feel like I'm literally turning into a pig. I remember at the start of my finals I told myself that I would make a list of things I wanted to accomplish for this December holidays but so far, I have not.

I thought I would be more inclined for nature exploration but I find myself more inclined indoors instead. I rarely take the initiative to meet others now. It's really odd. Usually I would be rushing out the door to meet all of my friends but this time, I'm rather silent.

I don't know if that's a bad thing or not. I find myself dreading company these days. It's just easier to be with your own thoughts sometimes and since I hardly need any entertainment, it has become quite a perfect arrangement.

It's only been two days so far but I really am digging this holidays. For once, I'm not preoccupied with finding a job. I'm just chilling and it feels so damn good. I never thought 'me-time' was so important until now. Having time to yourself can really work wonders in ways I've never imagined before.

Literature is changing me, isn't it? I think my writing has really improved from where it was three months before. Through this major, I've been exposed too many literature and through their writings, finally understand why people consider writing a form of art. I've never been too careful of how my words are crafted onto pages, but when you read our predecessors' writings, you cannot help but marvel at its excellence. In turn, I'm slightly more careful of my words now.

"I shall continually strive for excellence in my writings and my thoughts." 

"I will do my best in my writings and my thoughts."

"Thy writings shalt cease not to excel as shalt thy thoughts."

Just reading these three sentences above and I am sure you can guess which era they are from. Isn't English amazing? I've never really appreciated English as a language till now. And it's just making me so much happier than before.

Happiness is self-sought, hmm?

In any case, I have plans for tomorrow. I'm going to strike off the first item on my unwritten list and actually go for some nature exploration on my own. I'm sure it'll be fun since it's been a really long time since I did that anyway.

Tomorrow will be a good day if I believe it so.

“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity and an understanding of life that fills them with compassions, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.”

– Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

"So, fret not my child, let not your worries disturb your mind," said she, "your sufferings are not in vain, for they have made you the beautiful person you are."