losing my cats

There are days when I really regret leaving The Cat Museum (TCM) as a volunteer and today is one of those days. Hearing her talk about the cats with such familiarity makes me envious and I cannot help but wish that I was her.

Many people always ask me why I've transferred from my diploma in Veterinary Technology to my major now in English Literature. To them, they are two worlds apart and I'm insane for even attempting to bridge that gap. I wish I have an answer for them but sometimes, I think I don't even know why.

Why am I doing what I've been doing with my life? I love it at TCM. Cats have always been a huge part of my life. Why then did I leave it all behind?

She told me of her donations to the animal shelters and I just felt so ashamed of myself. Here I am, a self proclaimed cat lover who thought she was influencing the world a little when the truth is her actions mattered not in the big picture and compared to her, I was nothing.

And I miss her or rather I miss being the old me. I sacrificed my time to volunteer and advocate for cats, now, I do nothing. I've lost all passions. I've ruined certain friendships. I can't honestly say that I like my life now. I still hate what I've done to it.

I want to run away from it all. Not because I hate it, but because living this life I have now will remove me from nature one day, I just know it. Every single day I breathe, some part of me acknowledges that fact and dies inside of me.

I'm gonna lose everything.

And that terrifies me beyond belief. My cats, my love for them... They're all going to be gone one day. They're already disappearing from my life right now.

I spent so little time with them. Only Avery and PBC recognises me now. All the cats I used to play with have gone, just like the vanishing trace of the girl who used to seek them.

I'm fading away and soon there'll be nothing left in me.

I've gained so much more in return, don't get me wrong, but I've lost so much too, and now the regrets are hitting me with their full force and I just want to sink down on my knees and cry.

I'm losing my cats. I'm losing them all.