Poem??

As the wound scabs over and leaves me a scar,
the pain I once felt starts to fade fast.

With calmness and a mind of absolute peace
I dream of blades, of knives, of blood.
O, blood red.

Drip.

Drip.

Drip.

Drops onto the pavement,
lands onto my socks,
and stains them red forever.

I watch as the puddle grows bigger and the calmness starts to grow.

And I feel elated,
knowing that I've done everything I could to stop everything from happening,
but I knew deep down that everything didn't matter,
because in the end,
nothing ever changes.

I closed my eyes,
and breathed.

And,
I lived.

annoyed @-@

V doesn't want to join us for lunch because my ex crush J is joining us. I understand his reasons. He had enough of army talk and it isn't like I gave J a good reputation either.

Still, it annoys me, that he would say he's not gonna come just because of J. Can't he show me some face? Like just give me a break?

They wanted to skype yesterday: V with the clique and all, but I didn't want to, so I ignored V2's messages and texts. I just didn't want to talk to anyone last night. Didn't even want to go home but I had no choice. My phone battery was dying.

And now here I am, on the bus to meet B, J and maybe V2. I don't know if V2 will come or not. I guess right now I just really can't be bothered. (I may have hurt V's feelings when I told V to pass the phone back to V2, but V was just making snide remarks about J and it wasn't something that I wanted to hear.)

I'm so fed up with this.

Friendships are a bitch to work with. Some days, I rather have none, and it doesn't help that I have CG tomorrow, doesn't help that it's my turn to confront another source of conflict in my life.

I just want a break man; a well-deserved break from all these thoughts in my head. People still don't get it till now. I'm raising up objections but I'm not expecting to see changes. I get it. Nothing I say will matter anyway so why do I bother? I haven't finished my follow up sessions. I haven't been fervently praying for my friends even though I want them to get saved. I haven't been doing anything remarkable at all and now I'm tired. Why do I have to keep fighting with myself, fighting with my friends, fighting with my acquaintances, fighting with everyone in general? Don't they understand? I'm just one human. There's only so much I can take before I break and fall apart.

I already have a war in my head. I don't need another war with you too.

I wish everyone will just leave me alone.

Tired

Shouldn't have drank with my poly mates. It makes me feel depressed, despaired and self-loathing so deep I can't withstand.

The sample exam questions shown to us are impossible. I'm impossible. I don't know how to reconcile myself with the possible bad grades I'm getting.

I hate the expectations I place upon myself. More than others, I hate the lack of self-control the most. I hate myself. Why do I have to love me? This is fucking annoying. Society should just screw itself up.

I hate The Bell Jar too. Left my heart pumping so fast I thought I couldn't breathe. I don't want to be crazy but whatever the damn protagonist is feeling, I can understand it and that freaks me out. I freak me out. I just want to stop thinking.

CCAs are hella stressful. Once again, I've signed up for too many shitz. I regret them all. I'm tired of socialising. Why do I have to keep pushing myself forward? Why can't I just stand still and let time take me over?

The haze is terrible now. I wish it'll just kill me. I wish something will just happen. I wish for something impossible.

I wish my wishes will just come true.

There was one part in The Bell Jar I found fascinating. When her suicidal friend whom everyone thought was getting better committed suicide, the female lead actually said: I am I am I am.

The teacher said: she says this because she feels that the corpse lying in the coffin could be her and thus the repitition of the words "I am" is to reinforce her identity and self awareness.

I find it so hilarious, I don't know, but I thought about N and I thought about me and somehow, I knew if it happened to me and her, I wouldn't say the words that she did.

It wouldn't be "I am I am I am" but rather "I was I was I was".

I don't think I would live.

What is this feeling?

What is this feeling?

I'm tired to the bone. My eyes are barely opened but my heart's still beating wildly and my soul's singing praises of Him.

What is this feeling?

The walls of my mind are crumbling down. Everything is fading around the edges but my vision is clear and my future's filled with glorious blessings.

What is this feeling?

The struggles haven't stopped. My tribulations have not ended but for once, my mind is at peace and my heart is still in the silence.

What is this feeling?

I long not to be with You but I want to be in You and be of You. I want You to be proud of me but I'm afraid of my sins, and wary of Your love.

What is this feeling?

-----------

I cannot tell anymore. The confusion as a Christian or the struggle for an identity.

What is this feeling?

Good day

Stepped into dorm and was greeted by the aftermath of my madness last week. Felt cloths were thrown everywhere, scattered in bits and pieces like the tattered remnants of my soul. I saw the blade gleaming under the reflection of the fluorescent lights and the hatred just instantly surges within me.

I hate this habit and I hate what it has deprived me of.

But today is a good day. I woke up and I heard my mom telling me she bought me mac breakfast, fulfilling the request I made of her yesterday. I realised with the abrupt wonder that my relaxation and procrastination over the weekend has brought me more productivity than ever. Oh the irony!

I guess right now, I can say that I am contented and I really hope I stay this way throughout the week.

A Bible verse I hold onto:

"Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulations and be constant in prayer." Romans 12:12 (NLT)

Blah

I'm going off the rockers off the rockers off the round. 

Whistling to the tune to the medley that I'll drown.

 See the gleam in the red in the wound that I've made. 

Understanding comes in leaps and leaps of non existent faith.

It's so hard sometimes to look at the world around me and believe in positivity. It's so tough to fight the thoughts in my head. Sometimes I really wish I'll go away.

In one of our lectures today, this quote was mentioned:

"I feel that so much of my dad is in me I have no room in me for me."

I agreed with that quote, though for my sake it'll probably be:

"I feel that so much depression is in me I have no room in me for me. And soon, I forget how to be me."

But all is not lost. I've stopped cutting for two days now. *claps* I don't know if this 'clean' period will last but for now, I'm thankful. At least I didn't sin that sin today.

But my thoughts can't help but stray to that bloody assignment I fucked up. Everytime I close my eyes, it's there. 25% just gone like that. I can't ever forgive myself for that mistake. I don't see a reason to. Yet, it's so natural for me to screw up I don't know why I'm even surprised anymore.

I'm trying to rise above these choppy waters. I'm reaching out to contact my friends and actually meet them but sometimes, though, sometimes it's all just a little too much.

I'm suffocating but I'm still struggling to breathe.

I hope I don't give up, only for the sake of others who care and love me.

Pissed

I handed in a crappy piece of work amd I'm fucking disappointed in myself. It used to be all academics for me but this time, I'm not upset cause I know I'll get bad grades. I'm upset cause I allowed myself to write something so trashy.

I hate it.

I'm seriously so damn pissed at myself I've achieved a whole new level of self-loathing.

URGH. And there's 2 more essays to go. Fucking hell.

I'll just drown in my readings and all the damn tears.

no one gets it

But no one ever gets it. Sure, N does. N understands how it feels like to be depressed but N doesn't understand how it's like being a depressed Christian. Knowing that if you kill yourself you're destined for hell. Knowing that you're committing sin after sin every damn day... Knowing that each cut is drawing you further away from God. You can't help but wonder when will God's grace run out on you. You can't help but wonder if you even deserve this. If you even deserve all that.

Sometimes I can't bring myself to care. Those days I wanna denounce myself of Christianity. Even though I believe in it so firmly, I hate it for causing me to be stuck in this permanent source of conflict. There are way too many grey areas in the Bible and I wish someone will just make it all clear.

I've got three essays due next week but I'm not doing anything. I can't bring myself to do anything. I don't know what I even want anymore. Every time someone hears me transferring from a science course into literature without any literature background, their responses are always the same: You're so brave omg!

I feel like laughing when I hear the word 'brave', or puking, I don't know which. "brave" is the worst word to describe me man. If I'm brave then the world's a fucking coward. If I'm brave, then I must be dead already for the only time I'm brave will be when I'm dead.

TW, you wanted to read all these thoughts in my head. Go ahead. Take a good look. There's nothing pretty here. It's ever suffocating darkness. It's overwhelming sadness. It's everything and nothing at once.

Have fun.

shadow

It's always there, too close, too much
The shape of something I can't touch
I turn, and find the shadow's grown
Those empty eyes I begged to stay
Are watching me from yesterday
You can leave me, can you leave me alone?

- Shadow, Sam Tsui

P is ninja

I wanted to add more cuts but halfway through the whole thing P came into the toilet and shocked the fuck outta me. (The entire corridor shares the same toilet.)

So I didn't manage to cut. :(

#sian

distance

Today, I hesitated before saying my Grace. I've stopped talking to God too. Maybe it's cause I feel so raw inside. I don't know. It's probably not polite to talk to Him when you're giving free rent to the Devil in your mind yeah? I guess that's how I see things at least.

If I remember it today, I'll do it.

Tralala

I hate it when the bleeding stops.

cut

I cut myself twice.

Didn't work. Still feel as numb as ever.

Thank you knife. Guess I gotta do it again.

......

......

......

On second thoughts, maybe not. These are enough... for now.

do it

I can feel my mind begging my heart to just sleepitoff sleepitoff sleepitoff sleepitoff but what my mind doesn't know is that that's fucking impossible and even as I'm typing this my heart's straying to the penknife in the distance and all I wanna do is cut cut cut cut cut cut cut cut cut. I don't even know what I'm thinking or what I'm even doing anymore. I just want out of this life, out of this thought and out of everything else. Watching everyone being so positive on tumblr is not encouraging me at all. Seeing all the bloody cut up wrists and thighs are just beckoning me to just fucking do it. DO it. But I can't, cause I made a bloody promise and I'll hate myself more if I break it but what the fuck? Who cares? WHY do I have to suffer through this without relief? It's just fucking relief right? Like sports that release stress, self-harm is therapeutic. Isn't there that darn scientific article that published this theory and proved it right? So I can do it right? DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT.

do it do it do it do it do it do it.

doit.

why the fuck am I still hesitating over this what the fuck.

this isn't being courageous or fighting till the end or whatever crappy phrase exists in this planet. this is just fucking cowardice and cowardice and cowardice and cowardice.

I need a fix so bad, like fucking hit me already.

tired

I'm still trying to find a reason to hold on. I'm still fighting to bring order into my chaotic mind. But today, today I'm just tired. I'm feeling inadequate. I'm feeling low.

I want to close my eyes and never wake up. Even in my dreams I hear them screaming at me. I wish they'll shut up but I know I deserve it so I remain silent and watch them scream at me. I wish I can stretch my hand out. I wish I will tell someone I'm drowning, but I'm afraid to acknowledge this truth and I rather die than admit it's back.

So now I'm drowning and I'm letting it drown me. I'm too cowardly to take my own life so I'll let this life take me. I won't count the days. I won't check the dates. IF it's time, I believe there'll be a sign and I know when I see this directional sign, I will follow.

So I'll just rot on this Earth and watch the time go by. I'm not concerned about my surroundings cause why will I even want to try?

I just want to die.

But there's still no sign, and so I can't die.

I'm so tired of this.

rejecting God

I can't take this anymore. I just want to give up on my own religion sometimes. It's so hard to believe in God. It's scary.

I fear God more than I love Him. Sometimes, I rather have the devil in my head than God Himself. It's easier to accept that I'm sinful because of the devil than believe that I'm sinless because of Jesus.

The concept of grace is eluding me. I'm eluding myself. Had a conversation with one of the Christians I've just met. Well, I wouldn't call it a conversation. It went something like this:

Person A: See you at Crossroads (mini service)!

C: Er.. she's not going for Crossroads.

Me: Yeah, I'm going for the welcome tea by Welfare Service Club.

Person A: That's not an excuse.

C: *smiles awkwardly*

Me: ....

Person A: I'm serious. If you can attend lecture and sneak away later, you can do the same for Crossroads too.

C: Haha. We haven't skip lectures yet!

Me: ....

Person A: Whatever! Shoo!

Me: Bye.

C: Bye.

.....

This is still my response to the entire situation. Times like this, I doubt my decision to join a Christian CCA in school. I don't really fault Person A for what she thinks though. She's right. I should be going for Crossroads, but I don't really want to.

I guess I'm back to the phase of rejecting God. Wee.