But no one ever gets it. Sure, N does. N understands how it feels like to be depressed but N doesn't understand how it's like being a depressed Christian. Knowing that if you kill yourself you're destined for hell. Knowing that you're committing sin after sin every damn day... Knowing that each cut is drawing you further away from God. You can't help but wonder when will God's grace run out on you. You can't help but wonder if you even deserve this. If you even deserve all that.
Sometimes I can't bring myself to care. Those days I wanna denounce myself of Christianity. Even though I believe in it so firmly, I hate it for causing me to be stuck in this permanent source of conflict. There are way too many grey areas in the Bible and I wish someone will just make it all clear.
I've got three essays due next week but I'm not doing anything. I can't bring myself to do anything. I don't know what I even want anymore. Every time someone hears me transferring from a science course into literature without any literature background, their responses are always the same: You're so brave omg!
I feel like laughing when I hear the word 'brave', or puking, I don't know which. "brave" is the worst word to describe me man. If I'm brave then the world's a fucking coward. If I'm brave, then I must be dead already for the only time I'm brave will be when I'm dead.
TW, you wanted to read all these thoughts in my head. Go ahead. Take a good look. There's nothing pretty here. It's ever suffocating darkness. It's overwhelming sadness. It's everything and nothing at once.
Have fun.
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