tired

I'm still trying to find a reason to hold on. I'm still fighting to bring order into my chaotic mind. But today, today I'm just tired. I'm feeling inadequate. I'm feeling low.

I want to close my eyes and never wake up. Even in my dreams I hear them screaming at me. I wish they'll shut up but I know I deserve it so I remain silent and watch them scream at me. I wish I can stretch my hand out. I wish I will tell someone I'm drowning, but I'm afraid to acknowledge this truth and I rather die than admit it's back.

So now I'm drowning and I'm letting it drown me. I'm too cowardly to take my own life so I'll let this life take me. I won't count the days. I won't check the dates. IF it's time, I believe there'll be a sign and I know when I see this directional sign, I will follow.

So I'll just rot on this Earth and watch the time go by. I'm not concerned about my surroundings cause why will I even want to try?

I just want to die.

But there's still no sign, and so I can't die.

I'm so tired of this.