Tired

Shouldn't have drank with my poly mates. It makes me feel depressed, despaired and self-loathing so deep I can't withstand.

The sample exam questions shown to us are impossible. I'm impossible. I don't know how to reconcile myself with the possible bad grades I'm getting.

I hate the expectations I place upon myself. More than others, I hate the lack of self-control the most. I hate myself. Why do I have to love me? This is fucking annoying. Society should just screw itself up.

I hate The Bell Jar too. Left my heart pumping so fast I thought I couldn't breathe. I don't want to be crazy but whatever the damn protagonist is feeling, I can understand it and that freaks me out. I freak me out. I just want to stop thinking.

CCAs are hella stressful. Once again, I've signed up for too many shitz. I regret them all. I'm tired of socialising. Why do I have to keep pushing myself forward? Why can't I just stand still and let time take me over?

The haze is terrible now. I wish it'll just kill me. I wish something will just happen. I wish for something impossible.

I wish my wishes will just come true.

There was one part in The Bell Jar I found fascinating. When her suicidal friend whom everyone thought was getting better committed suicide, the female lead actually said: I am I am I am.

The teacher said: she says this because she feels that the corpse lying in the coffin could be her and thus the repitition of the words "I am" is to reinforce her identity and self awareness.

I find it so hilarious, I don't know, but I thought about N and I thought about me and somehow, I knew if it happened to me and her, I wouldn't say the words that she did.

It wouldn't be "I am I am I am" but rather "I was I was I was".

I don't think I would live.