rejecting God

I can't take this anymore. I just want to give up on my own religion sometimes. It's so hard to believe in God. It's scary.

I fear God more than I love Him. Sometimes, I rather have the devil in my head than God Himself. It's easier to accept that I'm sinful because of the devil than believe that I'm sinless because of Jesus.

The concept of grace is eluding me. I'm eluding myself. Had a conversation with one of the Christians I've just met. Well, I wouldn't call it a conversation. It went something like this:

Person A: See you at Crossroads (mini service)!

C: Er.. she's not going for Crossroads.

Me: Yeah, I'm going for the welcome tea by Welfare Service Club.

Person A: That's not an excuse.

C: *smiles awkwardly*

Me: ....

Person A: I'm serious. If you can attend lecture and sneak away later, you can do the same for Crossroads too.

C: Haha. We haven't skip lectures yet!

Me: ....

Person A: Whatever! Shoo!

Me: Bye.

C: Bye.

.....

This is still my response to the entire situation. Times like this, I doubt my decision to join a Christian CCA in school. I don't really fault Person A for what she thinks though. She's right. I should be going for Crossroads, but I don't really want to.

I guess I'm back to the phase of rejecting God. Wee.