pissed

“It would be too easy to say that I feel invisible. Instead, I feel painfully visible, and entirely ignored.”
― David Levithan, Every Day

Do you get days when you're just out of mojo and even replying a text message feels so tedious? That is how I feel now. I'm out of reserves. All the love I have in me is just... gone.

I feel so selfish for being who I am now but I am just so sick of it, you know, so let me just complain about this and get it off my chest. I promise I won't post another emo post again. I just need to let this anger go or this silence will burn me alive.

I'm tired of people taking me for granted.

I know they are glad that they have me and I know that to them, this little effort of mine means a lot, but I am this close to just flipping the tables over everybody and telling them all to go fuck themselves because today, Amelia Choo is just so done with life.

I am really so damn tired of this, okay? I push myself to my limits just to put that smile on your face the least you can do is to appreciate my effort man, goddammit. Do you all really think I love talking to people so goddamn much? You really think I like socialising? Forcing myself to dispel awkwardness among my friends, forcing myself to try and heal the breaches and cracks... What the fuck for? What do I gain in the end? Can I be utterly selfish and say that I'm tired of being the one to take the first step? Cause that's what I feel like now: garbage.

I'm not speaking about everybody so don't go all sensitive on me now. I know the friends who care about me, who genuinely ask after my emotions, who make me feel like I matter to them but some of you, man, I just feel like I'm being used sometimes. I know, maybe I'm being oversensitive, fine, but will a little reassurance from you hurt so damn much?

Stop acting like you're entitled to my kindness for fuck's sake. I'm doing it cause I care but goddammit, no matter how much I care, even I have my limits too. Stop pushing it. I'm so damn pissed at myself already for my expenditure on friends. Why the fuck should I spend more on people who don't even give a damn about me? 'Cause that's what it feels like to me sometimes, that these friends of mine are just there to leech off me. I know it sounds terrible but this is my honest opinion now. I'm just so damn tired okay? I'm fucking fed up.

Maybe that's why I like hanging out with Ting Wei so much. Maybe it's cause she makes me feel like I matter to her, that I'm not just another method to manage your goddamn loneliness or a garbage truck for your troubles. To her, I don't have to be the person with all the answers, you know? I can be just me, an emotionally vulnerable and tired of pretending to be strong me.

Maybe that's why the thought of hanging out with certain friends exhaust me. Cause what am I even to you man? I hate sounding so whiny and goddamn selfish but dammit, what am I to you? You say you're thankful for me but goddammit, where are you when I needed help? Where were you?

Some part of me registers that this blog entry is completely unwarranted and random in my friends' eyes but it's not. Taking on the troubles of your friends ain't as easy as it sounds so I get it when Shi Min said she has enough on her plate. That's why I appreciate Shi Min reaching out to me nonetheless. I appreciate that she reads this shithole of a blog and asks about me. She bothers remembering stuff about me. Some of my other friends, they comfort me. Others just expect to be comforted.

I'm sorry. I'm sure I'm hurting others with my words again. I did not name names in this entry but if you're reading this entry and think that I'm talking about you, chances are, you're not the one in question. Cause the person whom I'm mentioning in this entry doesn't read this blog anyway. But if you're feeling guilty and you're wondering if your problems are burdening me, well, here's the cold hard truth okay?

When you share your problems with your friends, it burdens them but it's a burden that they're willing to accept. Normally, I don't mind it but when I have to pry that problem from your lips, when I have to beg to be accepted into your heart, that pisses me the fuck off. Why do I even have to care? Why do I care? There have been countless times that I've cursed this heart of mine. There have been countless times that I've actually prayed for certain friendships to go away cause they hurt so much.

Sometimes, I feel like no matter how hard I try, things won't work out.

Is it me? 

I always think that it's because of me and Shi Min knows that. She tries to correct this thinking of mine but how can I tell her that it's always easier to blame myself than to blame others? Blaming myself means I can still change things around. Blaming others means that there's no room for improvement anymore.

And I don't know. I don't know if I should even be blogging this now since I'm angry and I try to refrain from blogging when I'm angry cause I don't want to hurt anyone else but dang it.

When she said that she didn't want to ask her cause she knew she would be too lazy to go out and meet her, instead of feeling honoured that she asked me, I felt cheated out of a good deal.

So you only ask me because you know that I'm willing to travel the distance?

Can't I be lazy too? Who took the choice to be lazy away from me? Myself?

From now on I'm gonna be a goddamn sloth when it comes to you. That's what I'll become. To you all I'm just the friend who's willing to go the distance anyway. A convenient friend to make use of, huh?
Sometimes I really wonder why I try so damn hard for something I know I can never get.

Why oh why, why are you being so damn stupid, Amelia?

No one appreciates kindness in this goddamn fucked up society.

They see kindness as convenience. They see love as investments. Everything is about profit these days. Dammit. I'm disgusting myself with such thoughts.

I just need the love man. Give me the love please.

Nobody cares

So damn fed up with social commitments and all those damn things. I feel like a ticking bomb just waiting to explode anytime now. Like wtf man wtf. Every weekend is wasted away just like that. I don't even know what the fuckity fuck I'm doing with my life seriously. Where in hell has all my time gone to?

I just wanna hide in a corner of a cave or something. Being human is difficult. Socialising is tough. Being a lonely island is the best. I DO NOT HAVE TO DEAL WITH FUCKING SHITS.

My sister is mad at me because I accidentally spilled water on the floor while I was drying my clothes and she took a giant fall and now she's angry that I didn't apologise and didn't even ask her if she's fine.

Seeing as she got up two seconds after lying on the ground and proceeded to wash her own shorts while bitching at me, I do not see why I have to ask her if she is fine when she seems to me to be perfectly okay. As for the not apologising part, well, I was going to but she made such a huge deal of it my pride wouldn't allow me anymore. BESIDES, it's not like she gave a shit about me anyway. How about the time I fell in bloody Pulau Ubin? Not like anyone bloody cared right? The scars on my legs, the cuts on my thigh and my obviously bruised and shattered self esteem? Do they even care? I walked home drenched in the rain for HOURS and no one noticed a thing. I've gotten so good at hiding I don't even know why I bother anymore. It's not like anyone's seeing a damn thing right?

Should have just let the car bang me yesterday and die on the street or something. Maybe that'll tell my sister something. Like hey, you took a fall and you're bitching about it like fuck, how about your younger sister who almost bloody died yesterday for no bloody reason at all? How about that?

My regular friends gave no shit to that. It was my uni friend who called and asked me if I was okay. During that heavy rain, I'll admit it, I cried. Because I suddenly realised how goddamn alone I was in this giant huge piece of earth. And guess what sister? Nobody cares.

:(

I screwed up my presentation. Didn't prepare enough for it and basically had my theory debunked during lecture. It's not like I'm expecting a lot either you know? I'm just trying to survive but sometimes it gets a little too much.

I want my nature therapy. My moments with the trees, the plants and just the chirps of birds speaking to my soul only. I'm so tired of English Literature today. It pisses me off that I've underprepared for this presentation. Pisses me off that somehow my life is slipping through my damn hands and I can't do a thing.

I lied to her that I had to go Daiso. Truth is, I wanted to go Daiso, not needed. I want to be alone now and I want nature or my stray cats with me, but they're all in AMK and none of them are here. I'm alone.

Please just let this day be over.

Fear returned

I told myself to not be afraid any longer but it isn't working today. I'm panicking on the inside while trying to remain calm. I wonder how long will this facade last. How much more will it take out of me before this act is finally dropped.

I want to be positive dammit. I want to smile but sometimes it really is tough you know? When they called and started complaining about their circumstances, honestly I really understood them, I did, but when they were envious of my schooling in comparison to their situation I got pissed. They say I sound like I'm having the time of my life. I laugh like a maniac because they don't know the fear concealed behind this laughter.

I've been making huge leaps since the place I first came from but now, everything just feels so tiring. I'm half-tempted to just limit my social life to these few people just cause I'm so tired of maintaining the charade anymore.

School has its stress too, okay? We all have our own sets of personal demons to deal with. Mine just likes to laugh more than others.

:(

Even a sad emoji isn't enough to contain how I feel.

I'm afraid I won't make through this sometimes. I don't think bad thoughts but today it's just different. I've done nothing. I've no ideas. I'm staring at the essay and nothing's coming to me. When I was in CCA just now, I was scared and I didn't even know why. I still don't. It's like the invisible presence of fear has invaded my life again and I'm so scared beneath this tough exterior. So scared of losing myself again.

Sometimes I just feel so alienated from them. They don't get how I feel at times. They don't know I laugh to hide my tears.

Because I forgot how to cry but I still can fake a laugh and they don't know that. They don't know me.

I still believe by Jeremy Camp

Scattered words and empty thoughts

seem to pour from my heart

I've never felt so torn before

seems I don't know where to start

but it's now that I feel Your grace falls like rain 

from every fingertip, washing away my pain

I still believe in Your faithfulness

I still believe in Your truth

I still believe in Your holy word

even when I don't see, I still believe

The only place I can go is into Your arms

where I throw to You my feeble prayers

in brokenness I can see that this was Your will for me

Help me to know You are near

I still believe - Jeremy Camp

Hanging onto the hope in my heart that everything is of Your will and that every single event in my life is predestined for success because I am a child of God.

I love you, God.

(the highlighted part made me teared up a little)

I'm so tired of the racing thoughts in my head. Just shaddap alr. Shaddap.

Take a step back and it's goodbye

You know why I like studying so much? Because when you're studying, you can drown out all the voices inside your head, be it the voice of the glorious angel or the ashamed accusations you're trying to hide.

I talked to her today and guess what? Nothing's changed. She can give me as many reasons as she wants to but it doesn't matter. A justified reason doesn't negate the pain. The only way to resolve it is through love and forgiveness, something I cannot perform until I have seen it duly performed to me.

And I can't love her anymore and I really do not bother myself over her tears. It appears to be her unconscious ploy of emotional manipulation and I won't let my heart entertain it even for one minute.

I'm done. Like done. Like done with giving excuses, done with hurting myself done. It's over. I'm killing that part of her in me.

I shouldn't have expected anything to begin with.

And now I've realised my mistake. I've learned my lesson. No expectations, no disappointments. No disappointments, I'll be a happier person. It's really over huh?

It's time to let the chapter of her in my life draw to a close. I'm tired of beating myself up over this. I'll never tell her how much I wish she was a better leader than Crusade. Never. Because that will be betraying the secret expectations I have for her in my tiny trembling heart.

And I'm done.

Good bye, I guess? It was nice being under your "leadership" but now, it's over.

Saenvious

My cousin scored really well for his exams. A+ for every philosophy module except for one and his lowest grade's a B+. That's like scarily smart, like genius like smart. Suddenly, I feel incredibly dumb.

I know my grades are quite good considering I have no background in literature but I'm not satisfied and I think it's because somehow along the way I've associated academic achievements with personal success and that's stupid.

In all honesty though I'm happy for my cousin. I'm just unhappy that I'm unhappy over this yknow?

I wish I have the burning passion to study my major like how he does it but the truth is, I find myself doubting my choices more often than not especially when it comes to my choice of modules.

...

I picked up advanced level in Chinese. I don't know why but I did. Maybe it's because I loved China Studies in poly. Maybe it's because it helped me grow as a person and that feeds into my bilingual dreams. I don't know but I love Chinese and the thought of not speaking it ever again terrifies me more than I think.

Maybe I'll regret it. Maybe I won't. Truth is, I'll probably still stick with it cause that's how I roll. I make wrong choices over and over again and constantly sink myself into a pool of regret.

#truestory

A moment of fear

I don't know how to explain it but sometimes I just get this insane urge to run away from everyone, like I'm trying to scrub the scents of others off me and just get out of my own skin.

And it's happening now. It feels like I can't breathe in the space everyone is in. I need my own bubble, my very own personal space.

It's hard to explain it in words that people can understand. It's just this sense of fear that everyone's gonna take over you and soon there'll be nothing left in you in the end.

Been feeling off ever since service ended and if I really had a choice, I wouldn't have stayed on. I need to run, remove every trace of everything on me and just focus on what's inside and breathe.

I feel so tense. Like I'm afraid the predator will leap onto my coward self and tear my body into infinite pieces as I bleed from each gaping wound and secretly pray for death.

I'm being over dramatic again. I think the crowd just got into me. For now I guess, I just have to hide out in the toilet and try to calm myself down before facing the world again.

Is this the start of social anxiety? I don't know but as the date of the semester nears, my fear steadily increases and cripples me.

But I'm no longer relinquishing any power to it. I need to take control of my life and speak faith into my future instead.

It's just a small moment of fear and this moment will soon pass me behind.

I can do all things in Christ who strengthens me.

Good day ahead everyone~

I wish I have the courage

I hope that one day I'll be able to publish this blog to tell others like me that there really isn't anything for you to be embarassed about.

I just read the Straits Times (ST) article. Apparently, 60% - 70% of youths cut in their lives and some don't even stop this habit. My heart just broke at the statistics. It's more than half of our teen population. What can I do to help them now? :(

ST went on to quote that most teens cut in places where no one would see like their inner arms and inner thighs etc. I'm just like, duh! Do you expect them to cut in your face? They don't want people to know they're cutting so of course they won't do it in places that their scars may be seen. -.-

And the stereotype of cutters or self-harmers wearing long sleeved clothes should be erased because self-harmers are not that dumb to wear long-sleeves in a tropical country like Singapore. We'll stand out immediately.

So there's really no sign you can spot in a self-harmer unless she chooses to share her emotions with you. Depression or any other mental illness is often an individualistic one. You face it alone when everybody's watching. You lost the ability to seek help ages ago.

That's why I've been thinking of publishing this blog. I'm thinking of the people out there, young teens who are suffering in the silence and secretly crying out for help but can't seem to find it? Yeah. It's for them. Because I was once like them and I, to a certain extent, understand how it feels like. :(

I just don't have the courage to do it, I guess. I'm still praying for that courage every single day. :(

Wish me luck, yeah? (One day I'll write it all out)