social life / school balance

It's really difficult to manage both school and social relations. School work is piling up so high I can't even see anything at all. I am so tempted then to just ignore all of my friends ditch all of them in the name of studies.

But is it worth anything?

Life isn't just about academics. It's so much more than that. It's about the smiles you see on people's faces, the laughter bubbling in your chest; the distillation of time experienced in that one single moment that makes your eyes boggle out of its sockets.

It's so much more than studies and I really got to drill that into me. It's funny cause crusade leader tells me that being in university means that I won't have a social life to speak of, but I refuse that belief and reject even the very notion of it.

I promised myself after my grandmother's death that academics will never be placed before people again. Never. And I'm determined to live up to that promise.

"For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." Matthew 6:12

Nothing

I JUST WASTED FUCKING FOUR HOURS OF MY LIFE AND I ACCOMPLISHED NOTHING.

My friend managed to finish the draft of her essay and what? Here I am, with nothing. It doesn't help that I'm feeling even more tired than before. Doesn't help that I'm feeling much lousier now. I wasted all those time that I could have spent sleeping on fucking nothing.

My brain is just so tired now I swear. So many assignments, so many presentations... I'm fucking drowning that's what.

Time for myself? Ha. I don't know why I even think of it. I never have time for myself these days. Every part of me is always given to others, to society, to expectations, to disappointments and to love.

"Love others?"

Don't kid me. Do you really think it's that easy? Struggling to remind myself everyday that life is not about academics when that has been my life motto for the past few years? If it was that easy, I would have gotten rid of it long ago, but it's not, and it still feels like a battle everyday and that fucking sucks.

I know, most of my "busy-ness" comes from my poor time management, but is it really my fault that I'm trying to meet everyone all at once? Is it? So much time is taken up by school on the weekdays already, am I supposed to allocate more time on the weekends for it? Where is the logic in that?

I'm so tired. Got a presentation and a draft outline to hand in tomorrow and the thought of it just terrifies me. Well, it actually doesn't. I lied. Nothing terrifies me anymore. I lose fear when I am overwhelmed by fatigue.

The night is dark, so dark that the moon now seems brighter. An optimistic person will regard this as a beacon of hope. A pessimistic person will see the overwhelming darkness in comparison to that tiny speckle of light. I don't know which I see now, but all I feel is darkness surrounding me, drawing me closer to them.

I'm so damn sick of waking up early. I just want a damn break from this, but I can't. 'Cause this is my choice and I have no other way but to stick with it. Sometimes I wish I didn't care though, life's not worth anything if it's supposed to feel like this. It's like Beckett's Endgame, struggling to find meaning in the meaningless game of life will never ever lead you to your checkmate. We're forever doomed to this state of nothingness.

We're just nothings.

Toothless

These few days are horrible. They are so mentally draining I'm tired to even open my eyes.

I hate the essay I've turned in. No doubt it's Harry Potter and Frankenstein and I should be elated I get to write based on my interest but I didn't do both texts justice and that's just depressing. :(

But all is well because S just bought me freaking Toothless. She's in China now and the fact that she thought of me is amazing! I LOVE HER.

She made my day! :)

Sometimes, it's the little things in life that give you the most pleasure!

Promises

I feel the tension vibrating throughout my veins and the itch just crawling under my skin. I hear the voices screaming in my head and the reasonable one just shaking everything off.

Like it's that easy.

It just suddenly struck me how easy it is for me to die, how no one will suspect anything is amiss since I always return home late and it won't matter anyway. And yesterday, I let the idea really take hold of me and instead of scaring me it liberated me, that I could finally have control over something that was controlling me all this while.

I promised though that I had to live till 21 no matter what happens. I promised that I'll exhaust all my options before even thinking of something like suicide.

I promise I'll contact the school's counsellor if this persists throughout the week,

But what are my promises worth any way?

I always break the ones I can't keep.

Grateful

I am so blessed.

Spending the first few minutes of my birthday with people I love and my cute stray cat Diva. Life truly can't be better.

#thankful

I can't do this anymore

Sometimes I think I can't do this anymore and I reiterate to myself a thousand times more.

I can't do this anymore.

And I really start to believe that I can't do this anymore and before long all I'm saying is that:

I can't do this anymore.

Failed

I tried.

And I failed.

#nosurprise

Why I Didn't Do It

"...I remember pretty vividly what it felt like. It was more than just emotional pain that I was experiencing. It affected me physically. It felt like I had weights strapped to all of my limbs, like I was trying to move underwater or something, and yet at the same time when I look back at all of the stuff that was bothering me years later, so much of that seems so insignificant now, and I don't want to downplay what I was feeling because what I felt was very real and what I was grappling with was very difficult but I can say with complete certainty that I feel worlds worlds better about my life than I did then and I know that that counsellor was right.

So much of the problems I was experiencing and all the feelings that I was going through like so much of that was temporary. Some of those issues just sorted themselves out and some of those issues got better because I made the decision to address them and I worked to improve them or resolve them and there were plenty of new problems that popped up along the way and I have even had to deal with even tougher times in my life since then,  but I was able to soldier through all of that because I knew that nothing lasts forever and I knew that I had a lot more power than I may feel at certain times."

This guy is amazing and I love him so very much. :)

Tired tired

It's 3.35am in the morning. I feel like Death just warmed over me. I can't believe how tired I am. My eyelids are closing of their own accord.

I managed to complete the things that I wanted to do though. Her birthday card is completed, my writing is halfway there, and I've covered about half of The Day of The Locust (a novel I'm supposed to finish before American Lit lecture at 3.30pm).

This is still insane though. I feel so shag I don't know why I'm blogging when I really should be sleeping. I guess I'm blogging cause I really want to remind myself to trust in God and His plans for me.

Of course, that and to comfort myself that I've accomplished so many things within a short period of time.

YOU GO AMELIA.

*worth it*

Reminding myself of my priorities everyday as I schedule my time around.

To TW

I haven't really written you a letter this year and I don't really know why. I know I promised to write to you but so far, I haven't and I'm sorry about that. It seems as though you're on the lower list of my priorities these days but that isn't the truth at all. Appearances are absolutely deceiving so please, never for a moment doubt your importance to me.

I know I don't express it well. I can reassure you that you're not the only friend who's insecure either. Many of my closest friends assume that they're not important in my life because of the supposed multitude of friends that I have.

It's not true at all.

I don't consider myself to have many friends and even if I do, there are only the select few that I'm committed to than the vast majority I'm obligated to.

You're part of the committed category, I just want you to really know that. When I say you're my best friend, I mean it. If I'm using the BFF term to describe any of my friends, there's no doubt in my mind that you'll be it. You and me, we're all we got sometimes. I know it feels like I have everyone backing me up while I'm your only friend, but trust me on this, you have more people loving you and supporting you than you know.

And I'm one of them.

Converting to Chinese now because Chinese is an easier medium to express certain emotions at times...

请不要担心我会忘记你。我的心已经刻上了你的名字, 心房已开了位子让你住了。从很久很久以前, 你的存在早已离不开我的思想, 我无时无刻都会想起你的脸庞, 所以请你别担心, 我是不会忘记你的。

我不会忘记你, 但我不能担保我们永远都能这么快乐地活着。未来是个未知数。可能十年以后, 我们闹翻了, 感情闹僵了, 我们的关系也可能就会断绝了, 我真的不知道。我现在所知道的只有这个: 那就是此时此刻, 我跟你的友情是无敌的。可能你认为我跟你的友情没其他人亲密, 但请你理解, 我是不会拿你跟别人比较的, 因为那样对你对她都不公平。你有你的思索, 有你的逻辑, 你的人格对我来说已经是一百分了。如果我让你感到有任何不足, 我道歉, 那不是我本意。你本身就以足够了。

我爱你天真的想法, 我爱你对我那无微不至的照顾。你的所有的优点我都看得一清二楚。你绝对是漂亮的! 所以请你不要那么容易气馁好吗? 要对自己有信心! 我相信你跟我都会度过眼前的难关。我们行的! 加油加油加油!

我爱你。

拜拜~~

irrationality

When TW told me she was going to see the doctor because of a sudden itch on her ankle, an irrational fear abruptly filled my heart. I kept imagining the worst circumstances: a lump, a tumour, cancer... My thoughts were heading in all sorts of directions. I don't know why I was so afraid but I was and this fear wouldn't leave me alone.

Then she told me that that itchy spot turned out to be eczema and instead of feeling relieved, I panicked. I've seen how A suffered with that disease and selfishly I didn't want TW to face the same thing too. Of course, rational thoughts returned at that moment and I recalled that TW had minor eczema and not a severe one. Then I feel horrible all the same because I intentionally put TW before A.

It's not that A isn't a close friend either. I do care for him, and not a day goes by where I don't think of him, lying in bed, suffering from chronic pain. I think there's no word to describe my hatred for the word eczema now. I hate it so much I wanna rip it to shreds, down to its very organic cell matter.

But I can't help feeling guilty the same, that I am living an extremely fortunate life with such a healthy body that I'm sure I'm undeserving of. I wish I can swop my body with someone else. I'm sure they need the health more than I do, seeing as I'm destroying this body for no reason at all. I hate this.

I hate my birthday especially.

There's nothing that sickens me more than the date which I was born on this earth. It's like a cruel reminder of the fate that God has blessed me with, a fate that seems more like a curse than a blessing.

I'm sorry. I probably shouldn't be feeling this way. Maybe I need to do more QT sessions to reboot my mental state.

But before that, please keep A always in your prayers.

mountains

Yesterday, I whispered to the mountains.

They rumbled in displeasure,

as their rocks came pouring down,

drowning my voice out amidst the chaos.

My words died out in stutters

and the silence returned with vigor.

There it was again;

the mountain that loomed ahead of me.

It stood tall and unwavering, 

as the sun waved its last goodbyes.

I listened to the wind.

and I called it a night.

-.~*~.-

Tomorrow, I would conquer the beast.

Trample upon its feet

as the stones cut through my skin,

shouting victory like a warrior engaged in battle.

There would be no hesitation

and the silence would be broken.

There I would see:

the mountain that fell apart before me.

It thought itself strong,

but its foundation was weak.

I saw the wind carry it in my dreams;

a broken shard that used to be majestic.

-.~*~.-

Today, I drew them on the paper,

triangles and triangles,

lines upon lines in emphasis and quiet.

I tore it apart and I drew it again,

three lines stuck in a shape

that never find its way out.

I laughed and I cried
as the triangles crumpled and folded
like the mountains in my dreams.

:(

"Oh! Self-mutiliation? It's nothing to be ashamed of."

But it is.

It's killing me sometimes.

See me

All I did was to skip one QT session and I'm already feeling like hell. Time passes oddly in a dream like state I've realised, I don't know if it's because I'm unaware of its passing or I do not wish for time to pass me by.

I hate her. Calling me 'babe' as though I'm close to her. Pretending that she gives a shit when she clearly doesn't. I hate her so much sometimes I wonder why she's even my leader.

And his skin condition deproved again. Isn't it enough that he's born with this illness? Does he have to suffer through his lifetime as well? The devil is really fucking cruel that's what.

I'm just so tired of all these shits. It's so funny though cause a day before I felt like I was on the top of the world. I felt like I could everything I wanted, that it was all just in the mind.

Today, I woke up and I wondered why. Today, I saw the sky and questioned if heaven exists. Today, I heard the flapping of wings and thought that if angels exist then the demon must surely be living in my head.

I know these thoughts are from the devil just like how I know that every impulse I have right now is wrong but that doesn't change a thing at all.

It doesn't matter to me.

I wish others could see that.

God is amazing

Every time I think the devotion wouldn't be relevant to me, God surprises me and throws me off my feet.

Taken from Joyce Meyer's website:

There are many types of temptation, so we don’t always recognize discouragement and thoughts of giving up as being a temptation from the devil. Some thoughts the enemy may plant in your mind to tempt you to give up might sound like this:

• This is too difficult.
• I really am not qualified to do this.
• I am facing too many problems and can’t possibly solve them all.
• I have no one to help me.
• My friends and family think I’m crazy for pursuing this.
• I don’t have the money to do this.
• This is taking too long. 


I never thought of these little temptations as thoughts I must nip in the bud. I thought of them as natural, as normal... Sometimes, I forget that humanity is rooted in sin. It's odd. Daily devotions are actually making a difference in my life. I haven't sunk into despair or even depression ever since I've started this. Of course, it's a little early to talk about this since it's only been 3 days in but I really believe it's making a change in my life.

I thank God for everything.

:)

Trust in Him: The instant you feel tempted to give up, you need to say aloud, “I will not quit. I refuse to give up. I trust God and I will finish what He has called me to do.”

Listened to this while I was doing my devotion. It's awesome.

devotions

I've recently started doing my quiet time (bible study). Despite being a Christian my entire life, I didn't actually start doing my quiet time until now. After sharing about the lack in spiritual growth, and under the encouragement of my leader, I finally decided to do it.

For one month, I'll persist in doing it and if it doesn't work out, well, who knows? I'm using material from Joyce Meyer that has been recommended to me countless times. I came in with a heart filled with dread but wow today's devotion blew my mind away.

It spoke to me.

I did not want to continue at first for yesterday's devotion was about listening to the church leaders for leaders supposingly know best about you. As mentioned in my blog entry here, I have problems with my church leader so I really didn't like yesterday's devotion material, but a chat with my Crusade (my christian cca in NTU) leader made me realised how wrong it was.

I thought the 'leader' in question referred to my church leader but it wasn't really. It's my crusade leader that God or the Holy Spirit was probably referring to.

She told me this, "I really encourage you to pray about being intentional in wanting to know God more because that's the first step to hearing what God has to say about the dilemmas you're facing... Like we mentioned during dg that day, spiritual knowledge doesn't just come suddenly but it's a whole long process. Keep doing it for a month as a start and evaluate deeper after that?"

And I realised that it's probably true. If I don't help myself now, no one will. So, I started today's devotion...

Listen to and obey My voice, and I will be your God and you will be My people…But they would not listen to and obey Me or bend their ear [to Me], but followed the counsels and the stubborn promptings of their own evil hearts and minds, and they turned their backs and went in reverse instead of forward. 

—Jeremiah 7:23-24

I believe you are going to act on these devotional readings and begin living boldly and fearlessly as a confident woman. It doesn’t matter how you lived before now; this is a new beginning. Every day God’s mercy is new, and it is available for all of us today. Don’t look back; look forward!

Don’t live constantly comparing yourself with others; be your unique self. (See 2 Corinthians 10:12.) Celebrate who God has made you to be. There is only one who has the unique traits and skills that make up who you are. Enjoy the fact that God knew what He was doing, and rely on the thought that surely God said the same thing about you as He did when He called the world into creation: “And it was good.”

Lord, I will look forward today, and I will follow Your voice and obey. I take hold of Your mercy and rejoice in who You’ve made me to be. Amen.

...and it was awesome.

So I don't know if this devotion thing will really work out for me, but I'll try for a month and I guess I'll see? For now, I'm optimistic about it. ><

Note: There will be more Christian stuff in the future since my religion, again, is closely linked with my thoughts and I too, really want to use this blog as a tracker and marker for my quiet time sessions. Ignore such posts if you're uncomfortable with that.

To be just me

I feel dead, like some part of me forgot to wake as I fell asleep one night. I can't believe I said whatever I said when I was awake and surviving on a few hours of sleep. I am most honest then and that is the weakness of my mind I suppose. I forgot that I had talked about my dilemma with my DGL. I forgot the truth in the words I spoke. Now, I wish I didn't remember.

I've been distancing from the church people in my life. A distance I didn't imagine possible but a distance nonetheless that I've created through my actions. I should feel sad but I don't really, I just feel dead.

I think I might be able to accept the concept that my life truly doesn't belong to me anymore. Maybe it's built on the expectations of others. Maybe it's other voices acting out their desires. I think I've chosen to stop caring ages ago. It's easier to think of yourself as a host rather than the person being in control. That way, you get to escape the justification of your actions.

I think I'm back to the mindset of not wanting to save myself again. It's odd. Sometimes I feel like I should speak to someone about it, I should address it as the problem that it is. On the other hand, there's nothing that makes it real except for my brain, so if I don't think about it, who's to say that it wouldn't go away?

There is a problem though. A problem of my mind and a problem with my mind. There's everything wrong about this and everything right at the same time. Maybe she's right. Maybe I should pay a visit to the school counsellor, sit with her and confess to all my sins and wait for judgement to come.

Or maybe I should just keep pretending I'm alright and let the ghosts of the past stay dead because there's nothing I think I desire more than to be just normal.

To be just me.

"You asked, "What's stopping you from having faith in God?" And I answered, "I find it hard to reconcile the idea of a loving God and the idea of a just God. How can you love and be just at the same time?" She continued to speak what I think she wants me to hear and even though I was there, I wasn't truly listening to her words. In my mind, I was thinking of the buried question in my heart: How can God love me and ignore my sins at the same time? It seemed impossible but she said we cannot presume to know the mind of God. I didn't reply but I think perhaps that is the main root of my conflict with God. I find it easier to accept Him as a just God than one with love and mercy. Maybe that's why I fear intimacy with God.

'Cause I'm always afraid of the judgement that comes after the act of love.

:")

She is the one who keeps saving me; the one who doesn't believe in herself but is the one creating all these miracles that she doesn't know about.

Thanks, friend. I know you hurt too but don't show it. No one will even suspect. But thanks for being there for me. We can pull through this together!

♥

O what sweet words have been spoken! It tugs on my heartstrings. Thank you sincerely, my friend. I hope you know I thank thee too. :')

"Sometimes I feel like I’ve let everybody down and everything I do is wrong."

—	importantkryptonitetimetravel (Dusk)

explosion of thoughts

I hate this feeling of utter panic. I know that my assignment is horribly written. I know that it's half of my grade but I cannot bring myself to care. I don't expect to get good grades anymore. Literature is so difficult. I wanna scream that out loud from my soul. Literature is fucking shit. I'm not coping with it at all. I'm fucking dying. I don't know how to write an essay. I don't know how to phrase it into words. I just can't...

I'm so tired of pretending that I don't regret my decision to join Literature. I'm tired of pretending like I'm so fucking confident of myself cause I'm not. Whatever you're seeing on the outside is just a bloody facade and an image I keep to try and make myself sane. Now, I'm failing terribly. Feels like I cannot breathe again.

I'm trying to pray more these days. I'm not praying for better grades, I'm just praying for a better heart to cope with all this. I don't know how to deal with this without feeling insane. School has just turned into stress world for me. I thought Vet Tech was stressful but guess what, literature's worst.

At least with Vet Tech, theory made sense to me. Doesn't matter if I'm horrible at practical. At least I know that I'm not completely hopeless, you know? I still have some sort of saving grace in the theory aspect of that course but this...? English Literature? It's killing me. I'm falling apart.

But I can't just walk out can I? People paid school fees for this shit. My parents worked hard to send me to university. I'm debt ridden trying to study something I thought I'm passionate in when I'm not and I'm so damn tired of lying to myself you know?

Granted. I'm interested in Literature but I'm not fucking in love with it. I remembered talking to my supervisor one year ago and he told me that I will find my passion eventually, I just had to have patience. Well, it's been a year already. I'm studying something I absolutely have no idea of and guess what it isn't my passion either. It isn't even something comprehensible, so where does that make me?

And I absolutely hate to bitch about this like I'm having an identity crisis or an emo episode because I know some of my friends actually read this blog and they feel concerned over me, God knows why though. And I hate to place the burden of worry upon them but now I'm going insane I might as well just state it here.

There are good days of course, days when I don't feel like a raving lunatic... but those days are starting to go away with time and now I'm like a fucking lost kid. I don't want time to go forward but time is and I can't do a damn thing about it. I'm trapped.

I have never had so many Christian friends in my life but now, I turn around and all I see are Christians. It's not a bad thing you know? God knows I need more people in my life to preach to me about the Word of God. It's just that all those people just make me feel unholy as fuck. Makes me feel like a damn sinner. Probably true any way. I don't know why I'm denying that.

Church thinks homosexuality is a sin. I don't know why the hell would that particular sin be more important than the rest. Divorce is also a sin. No one goes out there condemning those people who divorced so why the fuck do churches these days emphasize on that sole sin? Who the hell gives us the right to judge any way? We're all sinners. We all fucking sin. That's what we do.

I guess I'm so uptight about all this because I know deep down that cutting is probably considered a fucking sin and I don't want to think about how I'm probably an eternal sinner in God's eyes and I really don't want to think about how it conflicts with my bloody religion you know? Sometimes I just want a damn break from being me.

N asked me what I wanted for my birthday and I told her I wanted a one-way ticket to Africa. It's true. I want a fucking escape from this world. I can't deal with people who care for me, people who are concerned over me or even people who condemn me. I hate this. I want to be fucking invisible but I can't. Where ever I go I'm fucking visible and I don't want that.

I'm so selfish for saying this I know. I guess I'm posting this here cause deep down, I want someone to you know, scold the fucking shit out of me. Tell me I'm an ungrateful ingrate. Tell me to get my shit together and suck it up cause life is forever gonna be this way. Tell me I'm worthless so I can just go about living my life already.

Stop telling me I'm worth something cause it hurts more. Telling me you love me is more incomprehensible than telling me you hate me. Please for fuck's sake just let me go already. I don't fucking deserve all that I have now you know? I'm well aware of this fact. I don't deserve a damn thing yet I have it.

And I hate that I have it.

I hate it so damn much.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry I hate that people care about me. I'm sorry cause my thoughts are all fucked up and the good looks so much like the bad and I'm falling apart and I don't know how to stop all of it and help myself.

But I don't want help. I don't think I want to try any more. I just want to leave all this behind. I just want to be free.

And I'm sorry for that.

Laugh

Just went to take a bank loan for my school fees with my dad and mum.

Mum: What happens if she stops school halfway?

Me: ...

Guy: Er.. You asked a question which I don't know the answer to.

Me: *laughs*

Mum: *panics* No offence to you.

Me: *in my thoughts* you don't know how true your words are.

After all, if I'm dead you won't have anybody to school.

Laughs.

where is my home?

"I don’t really want to do anything anymore except to quit and return home safely. Yet, nowhere really feels like home."

- N

I'm doing this horrible habit of mine again: distancing myself from every friend whom I love. It's just really tiring, you know? I just don't feel like caring anymore. To them, I mean nothing any way, and even if I do, I wish I didn't.

It's easier to talk to some friends these days than others. Ha. Who am I kidding? It's most easy if I don't talk at all. The obligations and commitments of life are slowly wearing me down. Being in literature makes me feel autistic. I'm constantly struggling to convey my thoughts into words. I feel so damn dumb all the time I don't know what's wrong.

I joined three CCAs and now I'm suffering under them all.

But you wanted them. You're interested in them. Haven't you always dreamed of being a high-achiever? Now's your chance!

Chance my bloody foot, I'll die before that happens. The weight that's suffocating me is just getting stronger and the pain that keeps me grounded is slowly fading away. I just want to stop fighting. I want a damn break. I want to go home.

But where is my home?

I don't even know anymore. My house isn't my home. My friends are my comfort zone but they're not my home. My family isn't my home. Stray cats aren't either. I suffer through every social interaction and I'm praying so fervently for my heart to gain peace and my soul to gain rest and my damn self to go home but where the fuck is my home?

When the hell do I get my rest?

I just don't want to do this anymore. I finished reading Hold Still by Nina and all I was thinking about is how Ingrid is so fucking lucky cause she gets to 'off' herself by overdosing on sleeping pills, like where the fuck do I get sleeping pills? I want some. I wanna fucking overdose.

I just can't deal with this issues you know? I have self-esteem issues, friendship issues, studies issues... It's like everything in my damn world is crumbling down and I'm helpless to stop it cause I don't know how and I know I secretly don't want to either. I wanna watch my world go up in flames cause it's easier to witness the destruction of my mind and feel the pain and tears than to hide under an invisible facade and pretend everything is okay. 'Cause it fucking isn't and I'm tired of pretending. I'm just so damn tired I wanna go home.

But where is my home?

Where?

I'm tired.

Am I born in this world to suffer? I'm on this entire planet with lands and seas and yet nothing, absolutely nothing, feels like home in my damn heart.

And the pain just continues pumping through my veins, you know? Every single heart beat sending poison faster to my brain. It isn't living anymore. It's just breathing to die. I'm waiting for the day when I get sent to Hell permanently cause I know that's where I belong any way.

It's impossible to seek for divine intervention now. I'm beyond redemption. My friends don't understand this pain either. They don't understand that I don't want to socialise anymore. I don't want to talk. It doesn't matter if I do or I don't.

My opinions never mattered.

Learnt it the hard way and I'm still learning it till this day. You know, it fucking hurts when someone tells you that they love you through letters or cards and you read and reminisce and you're feeling so damn touched until you remember that those times no longer fucking exist and they're all just in your head and the pain just intensifies and you feel like you're dying but you really aren't and you hate the present but you can't go back to the past (broken promises and fucking lies) and so you're left wandering somewhere in between wondering why the fuck you chose to believe in something that was too good to be true for you should have known for all the folly you possess that fairy tale endings never did fucking exist in reality and you're just a damn fool who believed in something that was impossible to begin with.

I'm an idiot, aren't I?

Why did I let myself believe that miracles could happen? / 'cause now I have to pretend that I don't really care.

- when there was me and you, hsm 1