To be just me

I feel dead, like some part of me forgot to wake as I fell asleep one night. I can't believe I said whatever I said when I was awake and surviving on a few hours of sleep. I am most honest then and that is the weakness of my mind I suppose. I forgot that I had talked about my dilemma with my DGL. I forgot the truth in the words I spoke. Now, I wish I didn't remember.

I've been distancing from the church people in my life. A distance I didn't imagine possible but a distance nonetheless that I've created through my actions. I should feel sad but I don't really, I just feel dead.

I think I might be able to accept the concept that my life truly doesn't belong to me anymore. Maybe it's built on the expectations of others. Maybe it's other voices acting out their desires. I think I've chosen to stop caring ages ago. It's easier to think of yourself as a host rather than the person being in control. That way, you get to escape the justification of your actions.

I think I'm back to the mindset of not wanting to save myself again. It's odd. Sometimes I feel like I should speak to someone about it, I should address it as the problem that it is. On the other hand, there's nothing that makes it real except for my brain, so if I don't think about it, who's to say that it wouldn't go away?

There is a problem though. A problem of my mind and a problem with my mind. There's everything wrong about this and everything right at the same time. Maybe she's right. Maybe I should pay a visit to the school counsellor, sit with her and confess to all my sins and wait for judgement to come.

Or maybe I should just keep pretending I'm alright and let the ghosts of the past stay dead because there's nothing I think I desire more than to be just normal.

To be just me.

"You asked, "What's stopping you from having faith in God?" And I answered, "I find it hard to reconcile the idea of a loving God and the idea of a just God. How can you love and be just at the same time?" She continued to speak what I think she wants me to hear and even though I was there, I wasn't truly listening to her words. In my mind, I was thinking of the buried question in my heart: How can God love me and ignore my sins at the same time? It seemed impossible but she said we cannot presume to know the mind of God. I didn't reply but I think perhaps that is the main root of my conflict with God. I find it easier to accept Him as a just God than one with love and mercy. Maybe that's why I fear intimacy with God.

'Cause I'm always afraid of the judgement that comes after the act of love.