explosion of thoughts

I hate this feeling of utter panic. I know that my assignment is horribly written. I know that it's half of my grade but I cannot bring myself to care. I don't expect to get good grades anymore. Literature is so difficult. I wanna scream that out loud from my soul. Literature is fucking shit. I'm not coping with it at all. I'm fucking dying. I don't know how to write an essay. I don't know how to phrase it into words. I just can't...

I'm so tired of pretending that I don't regret my decision to join Literature. I'm tired of pretending like I'm so fucking confident of myself cause I'm not. Whatever you're seeing on the outside is just a bloody facade and an image I keep to try and make myself sane. Now, I'm failing terribly. Feels like I cannot breathe again.

I'm trying to pray more these days. I'm not praying for better grades, I'm just praying for a better heart to cope with all this. I don't know how to deal with this without feeling insane. School has just turned into stress world for me. I thought Vet Tech was stressful but guess what, literature's worst.

At least with Vet Tech, theory made sense to me. Doesn't matter if I'm horrible at practical. At least I know that I'm not completely hopeless, you know? I still have some sort of saving grace in the theory aspect of that course but this...? English Literature? It's killing me. I'm falling apart.

But I can't just walk out can I? People paid school fees for this shit. My parents worked hard to send me to university. I'm debt ridden trying to study something I thought I'm passionate in when I'm not and I'm so damn tired of lying to myself you know?

Granted. I'm interested in Literature but I'm not fucking in love with it. I remembered talking to my supervisor one year ago and he told me that I will find my passion eventually, I just had to have patience. Well, it's been a year already. I'm studying something I absolutely have no idea of and guess what it isn't my passion either. It isn't even something comprehensible, so where does that make me?

And I absolutely hate to bitch about this like I'm having an identity crisis or an emo episode because I know some of my friends actually read this blog and they feel concerned over me, God knows why though. And I hate to place the burden of worry upon them but now I'm going insane I might as well just state it here.

There are good days of course, days when I don't feel like a raving lunatic... but those days are starting to go away with time and now I'm like a fucking lost kid. I don't want time to go forward but time is and I can't do a damn thing about it. I'm trapped.

I have never had so many Christian friends in my life but now, I turn around and all I see are Christians. It's not a bad thing you know? God knows I need more people in my life to preach to me about the Word of God. It's just that all those people just make me feel unholy as fuck. Makes me feel like a damn sinner. Probably true any way. I don't know why I'm denying that.

Church thinks homosexuality is a sin. I don't know why the hell would that particular sin be more important than the rest. Divorce is also a sin. No one goes out there condemning those people who divorced so why the fuck do churches these days emphasize on that sole sin? Who the hell gives us the right to judge any way? We're all sinners. We all fucking sin. That's what we do.

I guess I'm so uptight about all this because I know deep down that cutting is probably considered a fucking sin and I don't want to think about how I'm probably an eternal sinner in God's eyes and I really don't want to think about how it conflicts with my bloody religion you know? Sometimes I just want a damn break from being me.

N asked me what I wanted for my birthday and I told her I wanted a one-way ticket to Africa. It's true. I want a fucking escape from this world. I can't deal with people who care for me, people who are concerned over me or even people who condemn me. I hate this. I want to be fucking invisible but I can't. Where ever I go I'm fucking visible and I don't want that.

I'm so selfish for saying this I know. I guess I'm posting this here cause deep down, I want someone to you know, scold the fucking shit out of me. Tell me I'm an ungrateful ingrate. Tell me to get my shit together and suck it up cause life is forever gonna be this way. Tell me I'm worthless so I can just go about living my life already.

Stop telling me I'm worth something cause it hurts more. Telling me you love me is more incomprehensible than telling me you hate me. Please for fuck's sake just let me go already. I don't fucking deserve all that I have now you know? I'm well aware of this fact. I don't deserve a damn thing yet I have it.

And I hate that I have it.

I hate it so damn much.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry I hate that people care about me. I'm sorry cause my thoughts are all fucked up and the good looks so much like the bad and I'm falling apart and I don't know how to stop all of it and help myself.

But I don't want help. I don't think I want to try any more. I just want to leave all this behind. I just want to be free.

And I'm sorry for that.