irrationality

When TW told me she was going to see the doctor because of a sudden itch on her ankle, an irrational fear abruptly filled my heart. I kept imagining the worst circumstances: a lump, a tumour, cancer... My thoughts were heading in all sorts of directions. I don't know why I was so afraid but I was and this fear wouldn't leave me alone.

Then she told me that that itchy spot turned out to be eczema and instead of feeling relieved, I panicked. I've seen how A suffered with that disease and selfishly I didn't want TW to face the same thing too. Of course, rational thoughts returned at that moment and I recalled that TW had minor eczema and not a severe one. Then I feel horrible all the same because I intentionally put TW before A.

It's not that A isn't a close friend either. I do care for him, and not a day goes by where I don't think of him, lying in bed, suffering from chronic pain. I think there's no word to describe my hatred for the word eczema now. I hate it so much I wanna rip it to shreds, down to its very organic cell matter.

But I can't help feeling guilty the same, that I am living an extremely fortunate life with such a healthy body that I'm sure I'm undeserving of. I wish I can swop my body with someone else. I'm sure they need the health more than I do, seeing as I'm destroying this body for no reason at all. I hate this.

I hate my birthday especially.

There's nothing that sickens me more than the date which I was born on this earth. It's like a cruel reminder of the fate that God has blessed me with, a fate that seems more like a curse than a blessing.

I'm sorry. I probably shouldn't be feeling this way. Maybe I need to do more QT sessions to reboot my mental state.

But before that, please keep A always in your prayers.