stuck in limbo

Here it goes again. Another battle to be fought. I can hear the sirens blasting from afar. The cars that zoom past me as I walk down this lonely road. I'll let the darkness engulf me. I'll sink into the shadows and never emerge again. I won't see the light no more.

Everyday, time is flying by. I feel like I should be aware of it but I'm not. I see all the perfectness of my life so why do I still feel so broken inside? They say it gets better in time, and it did get better with time. It's easier to manage, way more easier to hide.

What does it speak of me that I'm choosing to avoid my problems instead of facing them head on? I'm a coward. Others have so much faith in me that I'll survive this but I know I won't. Some days I feel like a warrior but tonight, I feel like a slump. I feel pathetic. I've accomplished so much but here I am again, being back to my old self. The end has come full circle.

I haven't fallen that far yet. It's at the wavering point when I can actually choose to fight it or not. These demons in my head... Are they ever not gonna go away? Sometimes, I wish I had more resolve. Why can't I be as strong as others? If only I can fight as hard as them... Maybe then I wouldn't be the pathetic person that I am now.

Four years of loneliness...

That's the future I'm looking forward to. Even if I managed to pull through, so what? Living but I'm dying inside... It's like the song that was written by Jamestown story, Goodbye (I'm sorry):

I'm in a fleshy tomb buried up above the ground
It's no use, why should I hold on?

Tonight, that's how I feel. Fucking pathetic but here I am again. I wonder if I'll ever make that rash decision that will take my life away. I'm too cowardly to fight on but somehow, I don't think I have enough courage to kill myself either. So here I am again, I guess. Stuck in the limbo.

I just read back my past entries. Apparently my family thinks I should land myself in Humanities and Social Sciences. Look at what happened! Viola, their wishes have come true. Here I am in English Literature, feeling more stupid than ever.

Many years have passed and nothing seems to change huh? Sometimes I wonder, why do I even feel the need to constantly please everyone? Why is it so hard sometimes to put myself as a priority?

I tried to cut off so many friendships a few months back. I thought it'll be healthy for my mind if I surround myself with cheerful friends and just think positive thoughts all the time. Clearly, it hasn't worked out, has it?

I realise how different I am now as compared to the past. During polytechnic orientation, I was still friendly and open to meeting new people. Now, here in university, the social side of me just crashes. I'm not sure if she even exists anymore. I don't know why. I find it so hard to talk to people these days. It ain't even their fault. It's mine. I have lost the motivation to talk to people, to smile with them, laugh with them and make those precious memories together. I feel like I've lost everything. What's there left for me?

My friends love me a lot, and so does my family, so why does it feel so inadequate? Is it because I neglect to love myself? God, why is this happening to me now? I thought I was over this. I sincerely thought I kicked chronic sadness in its ass so why is this darkness creeping back into my soul again?

You know what's scary? I'm living in a dorm at NTU now. I'm afraid cause right now, I haven't even meet my room mate. What if I don't have one? What if I have one? If I don't have one, I'll be left alone with my dangerous thoughts. What if I kill myself then? But what if I have one? It'll be social interactions all over again. Will I even be able to stand it? I hate this part of me that cringes away from people now. I feel like I'm losing me yet, I'm growing into a new me at the same time. I don't know what to do.

I want to minor in creative writing. I want to learn how to write better stories but I'm afraid of the 'workshop-ing' that is in that module. Basically, we're asked to read our works in front of the classroom and let our works be criticised openly by others.

I'm so damn scared. I feel like I'm teetering on the edge of a relapse and I don't want to go back to those dark days. But I feel my heart inclining towards creative writing. I mean, c'mon, that's why I joined this stupid major in the first place right? So why am I hesitating over this? Why aren't I strong enough?

I'm so worried for everything. School's starting next week and I haven't made a single friend. There's nobody to go to school with me. Nobody to talk with me. Nobody to make me laugh. Am I truly so repulsive that no one wants to talk to me? I feel so ashamed of myself out of a sudden.

I hate me. I still hadn't gotten to the stage of loving her yet. I still find myself repulsive, now more so than ever. I went to pulau ubin last month. I had a great fall, much like Humpty Dumpty. I have scars reminding me of that incident. Huge ugly white scars marring my left leg. Haha. I should feel upset. I really should, but after the initial bout of sadness, now I feel nothing. I'm scarred everywhere anyway. What's another scar to add to this mess?

I feel so scarred deep inside. I don't know how to help me. Sometimes, I feel like God is watching me and He isn't doing a thing to help me. I feel like such a bitch cause I'm blaming God for my helpless state and this isn't right. I should be thankful for what He has already done for me. Stop expecting more, Amelia, let it go.

I wonder if I can let me go. While comforting N on one of her darker episodes, I told her this: If you don't kill yourself today, you're giving yourself courage to live for tomorrow.

Now, I feel like I'm not giving myself courage at all. I feel like I'm avoiding the battle cause I'm too scared to face anything right now. I need to sort out my time table by next week but I'm just so overwhelmed by everything I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm drowning and breathing at the same time. Is this what it feels like to be hanging off the edge? Cause it sure as hell feels like I'm being pulled into two different directions.

Haha.

I really need to stop doing this to myself man. Cheer up Amelia. Cheer up. Even if the world is fucking dark, you've gotta believe that the light will eventually come man. C'mon. Man up! You need to keep the faith going.

Stop killing yourself inside. You aren't doing anyone any favours.

GET UP.

and shut the fuck up, dark thoughts.