talents

I don't know how to describe this feeling I have right now. Is it because two of my closest friends have decided to go into a relationship together? Is this why I'm feeling this acute sense of loss?

I feel sad and lost, but I don't know why. Her getting together with him is a good choice. They'll be happy together. It's another connection that'll be severed from me. I'm free now.

But why do I feel like this? I hate my emotions now. University fills me with great dread. I'm so worried about everything I'm numb now.

I'm reminding myself to pray to God but somehow, I just can't muster the will to do it. Everything is in blurred vision. Feels like I'm watching a drama unfold sometimes; a play of my life.

Time flies really fast. I met with the clique today. We chatted about him and her getting together. Everyone was happy, or happily confused. It did seem rather sudden after all. Although if you ask me, it was kinda predictable.

Laughs. Well, at least I did tell BC I'm somewhat sinking again. I feel bad for troubling him with such thoughts but the logical side of me needs to tell someone I'm dying on the inside.

In actual fact, aren't we all dying?

I'm worried what will happen to me from the future on. Will I be happier? Or will I have the wrong kind of courage to end my life and just live in the hell I was supposed to end up in?

I don't know. Some days I feel so motivated to fight but most days, I just wanna sit by a window and watch time fly by.

I read a book called Biting Anorexia by Lucy. It's really interesting cause it gives me an insight to how an anorexic feels and the struggles they go through as they battle their mind daily.

It really isn't different at all. Depression, self-harm, anorexia, bullimia or even suicidal ideation. They're all the same demon in different forms, lying monsters that poison you against your body, to take away the life that was given to you by God.
These demons are the devil's new way of attacking us and destroying our confidence and trust in God.

I'm sad to say that they're winning.

I'm even more sad to say that I have long forgotten the sound of victory.

A conversation between my friend and I:

She: Did you know that xx had depression?

Me: Yes. He composed a piano piece about him giving up. I cried hearing it.

She: Wow. Why is it that talented people like him are always depressed?

Me: Cause depressed people are usually always talented.

They just don't see it, as do I.

♥