If this was a movie, the love between us would be sufficient to pull us back into the light and for the darkness that plague our thoughts to flee from us forever. Sadly, life isn't a movie and the story just doesn't end like that.
N's depressed. She's not clinically diagnosed but she exhibits all the signs of depression anyway. Like me, she self harms and suicide is a common thought on her mind. We both find it therapeutic to read the dark thoughts that goes through each other's heads. I don't know if this means we're both going insane (or we already are), but she wrote something on her blog which I felt struck a tender chord in my heart so I'm sharing it here:
She also mentioned in her main blog that it is therapeutic to read my posts. I understand how that feels because I am glad that I am not the only one among my friends who ended up with the shadows. At the same time, I want her to get out of here as soon as possible because it is a dangerous place to be. When people die here, it is called, suicide.
Loss of all sight of light, the darkness consumes you and all you want to do is die. However, the people around you wants you to keep on fighting and break for the light (lights that you cannot see at all; the darkness has blinded you). The people who love you are evil as fuck to not let you go where you think you truly belong: Hell. I know. It is exactly what I felt. Which is why many months ago I had asked you that question. That if letting go of me would make me happy, would you do it?
Over time I realise it is so essential for the both of us to be in each other’s lives. So we know how each other feel, and at the same time how our friends feel. Like I know how the thoughts run in your head and how agonising that is, but I am also your friend and I'm trying to help you find a way out of it. It is a personal battle but I know, I will always be just a phone call away.
You are alone fighting the demons but you are also not alone because your friends love you, and they will be here for you. Even if they are not, you can't bear to leave because you don't want them to suffer from the regret of not being there for you when you needed them. You don't want to be any more fucked up than you already are.
And that's the advantage of having a depressed friend. N understands what I'm feeling without me having to say a single thing.
When the time comes and I surrender and stop fighting, N will know why. Others may deem the act selfish and rash but N will know the battles I had fought and the times I struggled to win against them. She'll know everything 'cause like me, she's someone who knows how it feels like to be living with the madness in your head.
It's the same demon inflicting its harm on different minds. It's elusive but omnipotent. It's everywhere but it can never be seen. This makes the war tough. How do you battle against something you cannot see? How do you even find the will to fight?
and this ❤ just cracked a little at the thought of that.
N's presence is essential though. It's comforting to know you're not alone sometimes. A war alone is tough to fight.
N asked for my address a few days before, and sent me a letter even though we're living just 10 - 15 bus stops away and she could have texted me any time. I guess she just wanted to write to me badly. Perhaps in her eyes, letters are more sincere than text messages.
The letter contained her heartfelt words and at the end of the letter I received, she wrote these words:
"Stay strong. Promise me ten years down the road we'll look and be proud we've survived it all."
I stared at the letter. I let the words sink into my mind. Then, I thought to myself, "How did she know that these were the perfect words that I needed to hear?"
and this ❤ was made whole by her words.
I stood there, awestruck and mesmerised. It was like magic, and it lasted only for a moment in time. Life was perfect, and everything fitted in like bits and pieces of a beautiful jigsaw puzzle. In that instant, I was happy and I know N will appreciate the enormity of the sentence I just said.
But happiness doesn't last, and though I wish I promised not to die upon reading the letter she sent me, I didn't 'cause I couldn't and I wouldn't, and I'm sure she knows the answer why.
Thinking back to the question she asked me in the past:
"If letting go of me will make me happy, will you do it?"
Till now, I'm still not sure if I have the right answer to that question. I guess I'm not sure if I even wanna give the right answer anymore.
Just please keep fighting, N. For you, for me and for countless other souls who are battling the same demons as us.
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