shackles and chains

"I don't know how you do it sometimes. You look at the world like it's something new. You feel happy seeing the pale blue skies and the daffodils swaying in the wind. It seems like you love being in this world, but what's so good about it? I look around and all I see is Death. An ant getting trampled upon by a pair of sneakers. A spider eating its own kind after it gives birth to multiple eggs. Where is the beauty in all of that? I'm so sick of the world sometimes. It's corrupted, grotesque and absolutely disgusting.

I hate the social talks; the connections that everyone tells me are important to forge. I hate the big fake smiles and stupid lies. I hate the fact that the world's in colour cause I rather it be black and white. I don't understand why they say we're living. We're all waiting for our turn to die. It's just a matter of time. Why the hell are we so optimistic about life when we, in fact, should mourn the fragility of it? 

I like how they're trying to convince me that I'm being morbid. No, I'm not. I'm just facing facts. I'm living to finally die."

I wonder if I actually believe in my words sometimes. I give others such good advice about faith and beliefs but I don't even know what belief I subscribe to anymore. Most days I surround myself with people. I guess I don't want to be left by myself. I know what I will do, so I guess some part of me is still fighting this. I'm just not fighting as hard as I used to.

She confessed that she cut recently. It's sick and twisted of my mind to say this but I'm actually fucking envious that she gets to do that. I know I'm not supposed to be jealous of her but I can't help it. I wish so fervently these days that people will stop caring about me so that I can be free to do what I want. I know logically that what I want is wrong but that doesn't change the fact that I want it so desperately much.

I remember being worried that I wouldn't have friends in university, but now that I have friends, I actually feel burdened by it. Why am I adding shackles and chains to bind me to this tiring torturous life? I can't do as I please anymore. I have to actually live on this stupid planet and struggle with these stupid thoughts that don't make sense to me as much as I to myself.

My life is fucking perfect but I feel so imperfect. I remember him saying that he's worried for me because he heard from others that English Literature is one of the tougher courses in my university. He tried so hard to forge connections on my behalf 'cause he's worried for my future. I told him not to bother about it but I never told him why. Truth is, I don't care anymore. Not a single cell in me gives a damn fuck about my future.

I wish I could take my life back. I don't see why God keeps me alive sometimes. I had so many chances to die but He just won't let me die. I dream of blood running down my wrists, a noose tightening around my neck and drowning, nice lovely drowning in the dark cold sea but every single time, I wake up and it's only a dream. I don't know if I should call it a nightmare at this point. Maybe that would be a better word to describe it. It's a fucking nightmare. I'm a fucking nightmare.

I hate this. I'm actually starting to see love as a burden. BC questions why I'm pushing people away from my life. I just don't see the point in it anymore. I don't even wanna continue my life. The more people who leave, the more desirable.

Unlike she who wishes to write a book to send a message before she dies, I have no such ambition or dream. I don't have a goal for my future. I don't even see myself graduating from university. I can already imagine the failure or shame I will feel. Damn. Why am I even here? God, why?

This whole situation sucks, but you know what's the worst part about this whole damn situation? I cannot die because I know people will actually miss me when I die. I'm not concerned about my damn life but people are and that fucking sucks because that robs away my will to commit suicide.

So thank you people for preserving my damn life. I don't even know what the fuck you want me to do with it. I hate it so much but you want me to live it. Why the fuck will you do that?

I wanna trade my life to another soul out there please. I'm sure someone's dying out there and deserves to live way more than I do. Just take it away from me and live. I'm very much willing to die.

Just let me be dead already.