Goodab

Screwed up my elective paper really badly. I can't believe I fell asleep during exams. And you know what's worst? The questions were actually really easy. :(

50% gone with the wind~~

Fa-la-la.

On a side note, as I was packing my stuff to leave my dorm, a kind stranger wearing an aikido shirt stopped to help me. (HE IS AWESOME BECAUSE I WAS CARRYING LOADS OF STUFF)

He: Do you need help?

Me: I'm fine.

He: ... You look like a mess.

THANKS RANDOM STRANGER HAHAH. But he's really nice la and he even helped me get a cab so... *smiles*

I guess there are bad days and really good days sometimes huh? *winks*

Studying mad

Studying madness is making me go mad. Hahaha. Oh the irony.

I love my school so.

Doesn't matter

I attended my younger cousin's birthday party yesterday. I did it voluntarily. I don't know why too. Who am I trying to prove myself to? That I can socialise? That I can be in a group of people who are blood-related to me and not feel lonely and awkward at all?

I don't know what I was trying to prove to myself but I know I failed and I hate it. It's funny. I don't think I ever expect this to happen. When I was there, it was like I wasn't there. And I keep thinking to myself, maybe it's better if I'm not there. Maybe it'll make up for all the times I'm not supposed to be there.

I was struggling with these thoughts and food didn't appeal to me anymore. Didn't see the point in stuffing your body with nutrients when the life in you is already extinguished. So, I ate a little. It was big enough to show "face" to my uncle but small enough that I wouldn't gag at the sight of it. It was enough.

I wonder if I can ever do that. Perfect that form of balance between sanity and insanity. Being sane is tiring. Being insane even more so. What if I don't want to fall to two extremes? What if I just want to be me?

I thought about it a lot. Whenever I get thoughts like these, I sink myself into the world of fanfiction to drown me away. Some days, that works. Some days, it doesn't. Some times I find myself wishing it won't. Some times, I just want it to be over.

I used to think I can't overdose on pills cause I can't get them. Then, I realised, fucking Panadol works too. Idiot. Of course, I wouldn't do it. Not now at least. For now, I still have a life to live.

I'm just saying, if I consider death as a permanent solution, well, then all these obstacles on Earth are just temporary, right?

And if everything is temporal, then it wouldn't matter to say the least. Not I, not you, not anyone else. We all wouldn't matter.

"Dust to dust, ashes to ashes."

We're all specks of living dust anyway.

此刻的心情

"无言是一种毒药
更像一把刀 切开我们的拥抱
到底爱剩多少 需要思考
承诺随爱蒸发掉"

- 冷战, 杨承林

Modern cutting poetry

Here's how I envisioned modern poetry in cutting will be like:

I

She cut
again and again
until there was nothing left in her.

II

Freedom came
at a cost for her.
Freedom came
at the end of her.

III

As the red stained white,
her eyes gleamed in the dark.
It was time.
The candle blows out.

IV

The knife falls and
catches itself on her skin,
painting it red
on the nude shades of peace.

V

Breathe
pumping heart,
breathe!

VI

The girl smiles
with no hesitation ever.
"You're beautiful."

PBC ♥

Much needed cat therapy yay!

Hilarious

Exams are tough. They're really tough. Sometimes I wonder how I even cope with all this, then I remember her and I think maybe this is all worth it.

I'm living for her and maybe I'm living out her dreams. Since they do not belong to me, I've got the duty now to ensure that they're well taken care of. It makes me wonder sometimes, to what extent do we live our lives for the sake of others?

Do we care because their (potential) deaths weigh heavily on our conscience and we don't want to be saddled with any more unnecessary guilt? Is love just another fanciful word for the 'fear of guilt'? I don't know anymore. My perception of emotions has changed. I don't know if I ever want the old definition back.

I'm tired. My friend's mother just encouraged her daughter to be more 'happy-go-lucky' like me. She shared a conniving look with me. I just burst out laughing.

Sometimes we learn to hide our demons so well that that performance actually becomes our "self" that others perceive.

Thank you, A's mother. You just made me laugh from the hilarious joke you've spoken.

Story of my life

Hope

What the heck. I figured since I had taken three hours of my time yesterday to pen those lyrics down, I might as well share them here.

Note: the music is called "Hope, my original composition" on Youtube. (Phone blogging cannot link video but it's by this user called Jessica)

Go
Go home
Where you
Live on

Don’t
Hold back
Be brave
You’re there

Make your way
Seize the day
You are worth
Of all love
And you’re…

Here
With me
In this
Heaven

And
I see
Your wings
Angel
[so]

When you hear the voices as they’re screaming
Fight them with these words you’re hearing
Don’t let them step over all your dreams
[x2]

When you’re tired even of your breathing
Know that someone’s out there smiling
Because you are closer to your dreams
[x2]

Don’t forget to cry
Don’t forget to laugh
But remember that I’m right here beside you

Don’t ever give in
Don’t ever concede
But remember that I’m right here beside you

Forever…

And remember that in the vast darkness
Hope will shine bright like a candle
Don’t be afraid to take the first hit

And when you feel that you are just nothing
Look above the stars are shining
They’re with you as you journey through this

Don’t forget to live
Don’t forget to grieve
But remember that I’m right here beside you

Don’t ever give in
Don’t ever submit
Remember that angels learn how to fly too.

There. 3 hours of my time wasted. Grrr.

No rose is the same

"Man is timid and apologetic; he is no longer upright; he dares not say 'I think,' 'I am,' but quotes some saint or sage. He is ashamed before the blade of grass or the blowing rose. These roses under my window make no reference to former roses or to better ones; they are for what they are; they exist with God to-day. There is no time to them. There is simply the rose; it is perfect in every moment of its existence."

- Self-Reliance, Emerson

stupidity

I was so happy when I saw her commenting that she loved the lyrics I've written. When I read further on in the comment that she wanted me to check out her original compositions and pen some lyrics to them, I felt so honoured I ditched my studies and immediately began working on it.

=.=

Clearly, I'm the greater fool here. It was a deliberate ploy to get me to check out her videos, wasn't it? She got what she wanted but I wasted three hours of my time writing down lyrics for a person who didn't even bother to finish reading the comment I've typed on her video.

"What do you mean?"

She asked because she didn't know what I was talking about. Well, clearly she wouldn't know since she revealed later on that she didn't read beyond the first few lines of the comment.

Unknown stranger of 17 years old living in United Kingdom, thank you for wasting my time.

I won't ever trust Youtube again.

Should have known better than to trust a damn compliment, dammit.

Last night

It was 5am before all the emotions in me simmered down enough for me to concentrate on my studies. I had help from Google of course. It's everyone's best friend, isn't it? Mine and many others...

First, Google told me about The Butterfly Project. It was this really cool project for people who were recovering from self injury (SI). You draw a butterfly on your body and before it fades, you're not allowed to harm yourself. But if you do, you have to "kill" the butterfly and draw a new one again.

So, inspired by this project, I decided to do it too. I drew mine as a bonquet of baby breaths, a butterfly breathing in the scent of the flowers as the words faith, hope and love floated in the air.

Then, I hated it. Naturally. I used my saliva to erase it but it didn't work. Damn permanent markers are good huh? I can't tell you what I was thinking then but when I spotted the scissors in my pencil case, it just made sense to me.

No, I didn't cut myself.  I merely used the scissors to scrape the skin cells off so the drawing would disappear. Figured it'll work better than an eraser on paper and boy was I right!

I just overdid it a little. Just a little bit. So now I've got abrasions on my left wrist, but that's okay. Google told me that if you want to avoid doing it, try to use ice cubes to place it on the places that you want to do it. I thought ice cubes can numb wounds. What good would it do to quell a SI urge? But I tried it anyway and it didn't benefit me at all.

But it's okay because by that point, I was calm enough to continue studying. So life's good enough for me.

#thethingsIdotocontinueliving

#lifeisawesome

P.S. included the picture of my wrist to prove that the abrasions were not deep wounds at all.

what's love?

It's 3.22am.

I haven't studied a thing today. I can't concentrate. My mind keeps thinking of it. It's like a default response. I can't stop thinking about it once I'm on that path. I can't stop just thinking of that stupid innocent penknife hiding in my drawer somewhere.

But I made myself a promise to not do it at home.

And now I'm wondering if I should just consider suicide at this point cause surely suicide is better than battling an addiction you don't see an end to. Seriously. Cutting is better than taking your life away. So, it's better if I pick the option of cutting, allow myself to get consumed with the thoughts of cutting than to struggle with these suicidal thoughts.

I'm not happy. I don't know why too. Sometimes I think God's playing a cruel trick on me. I did my Bible study! I attended church! Why? Why can you not stop letting these thoughts fuck with my head?

Today, my friends offhandedly commented that I use vulgarities a lot. Well, if I don't use vulgarities, how am I supposed to get all these ANGST buried in me out? I can't scream. People will think I'm crazy. I have to pretend to be sane all the damn time. Let a girl have a break, will you?

The words on that picture above is so true. I remember the first time I saw a picture of a slit wrist. I cringed. I couldn't bring my eyes to even look at it. It just seemed disgusting to me. How can people do this to themselves? I remembered asking myself. How can they destroy their bodies this way? Won't it hurt?

But the joke's on me now cause I am one of those stupid girls destroying their bodies and if you ask me how I got to this point, I'll honestly tell you that I don't know. I think back on my life a lot, you know? Especially when I think about my parents. So, here's the truth:

I don't love my parents.

I know. I'm a god damned sinner. How can you not love your parents? Aren't you appreciative for what they've done for you? How can you be so ungrateful?

Don't get me wrong. I appreciate what they've done for me. I thank them for raising me to this ripeful age of 20 years old but the emotions of love just isn't there. There's so much resentment I feel towards them because of what they said and what they did. It's anger that I do not even want to delve into.

I just can't love them and struggling to love them is driving me crazy, okay? When my friends tell me they love their parents I'm just staring at them blankly because I don't understand. I don't understand how to love my parents so for fuck's sake someone needs to tell me how to.

I feel so excluded from this world sometimes. It's like everyone's born on this world to love but I don't even know how to do that anymore. When my hamsters were dying, I cursed them to die faster because I didn't want to take care of them anymore. Then, when they finally died, I didn't cry. I buried them but I didn't cry.

I felt guilty. I still feel guilty. I know I am supposed to be upset over their deaths but I'm not. Does that make me weird? Am I abnormal? Crazy?

I don't love animals as much as I think I do. I don't even think I know the meaning of the word 'love' anymore. How do you 'love' someone? What's love?

God, You're stupid. Someone on this planet probably deserves to live more than me right now but You're letting potential sociopathic me live. They say You have a purpose but I don't know what Your purpose is, unless it's to mock all those who believe in You, of course.

It's 3.40am now.

I still haven't studied a thing.

I can't bring myself to study a thing.

Sometimes, I wonder, if I could just do it, would the thoughts leave me for just a moment?

But I know I'm lying to myself.

They'll never leave.

Not now, not today, not ever.

Pbc ♥

 You always make every dark night seem light. Thank you. ♥

Farce

There are some days when you wake up and everything just feels so off. It feels weird to be in your own skin. You can't grasp the sensation of your breathing. Your chest moves while everything stands still and somehow you feel like screaming.

Everything is so tight inside you. You can't seem to find a release. The pressure is building. You don't know what will happen if the valve is released. You hope it will because that will mean that something is finally happening, but you're afraid because you don't know what will happen either and the fear of the unknown scares you.

Do you ever just get days like that? Everything is wrong. My life is wrong. I'm wrong.

Who's that girl in the mirror? I don't recognise her. I don't know her. Her eyes... they're so black, so void, so filled with emptiness....

Who is she?

I don't know. I don't want to know. Just thinking about it sends creeps down my spine. I wish I can destroy every reflective surface I see. Isn't it enough that I have to deal with her in my head? Do I have to see her too?

Her physical being repulses me.

Utter disgust. Complete alienation. Who is she that I'm seeing in the mirror?

I'm screaming. She's screaming. And today is just such a good day to just let it all go.

But I don't. Cause I still care. I don't know why I do but I do and cause I still do, I can't. I'm doomed.

I can't think anymore. It's driving my brain insane. When I don't get cutting urges, I get suicidal wishes. When I don't get both, I get an existential crisis. I don't even know which is worse. It's like a buffet. So many dishes in front of me. They're all limitless in servings. I just have to choose one.

It all kills me inside. I don't know why I bother.

Why this farce? Day after day.

Why?

I don't need Beckett's Endgame to tell me that life's meaningless. I can see that clearly for myself. I don't need him. I don't need this.

Yet every part of me craves it. She wants freedom. She wants dreams. She wants everything that I (me) cannot give her. She needs to die but she's too busy trying to stay alive.

And I let her.

Because it doesn't matter which one of us dies. We're all figuratively dead in others' eyes.

So promise me tomorrow you'll work with me.

The farce has to continue on.

I don't want to fail

Pretending to be all confident that I know wtf I am doing when the truth is I'm fucking clueless to what's going on.

I'm trying to blindly memorise the theories people have said about the specific texts. I don't think I'm supposed to do that but what am I supposed to do? What's the right way to study literature? I'm slowly sinking into the despair of my studies. NEVER have I felt so helpless when confronted with exams until I've met this subject called literature. I thought literature would have suited me more than veterinary technology. Now, I'm thinking that there ain't any difference. I can't decide which is worse.

At least science had a guaranteed pass if I could just memorise every single little itty bitty detail in my notes. This? This literature is insane. I can study so much and I can still fail. That's the scary part. That's the fear in me.

I know I said that I'll not care so much about my academic grades and focus on my learning instead but this is just so damn difficult sometimes. Like what am I supposed to do? For 10+ years my brain has been hardwired to view good grades as success. How am I supposed to change it overnight? How am I even supposed to study anymore? I'm clueless, scared and just utterly terrified.

And now as I'm typing this post, I'm late for church. It starts at 4pm. Here I am at Bartley at 3.46pm. I don't know what to say for myself. I don't even know if I want to speak up. I'm just so tired today.

And so damn scared for exams.

I don't want to fail. Even though I know these grades wouldn't matter in the future, I still don't want to fail. I don't want to fail.

I'm gonna fail my exams

So I just realised I've been studying the wrong way for my literature exams all these while.

>:<

On one hand, I'm fucking pissed at myself for forgetting that the final essays for that stupid module will only be based on that two texts so I shouldn't have wasted my damn time studying the other fucking poems.

On the other hand, what the fuck man, it's not like I knew what I was fucking doing either. I don't even know how to study for a literature exam. Am I supposed to memorise the text? Am I supposed to offer my own interpretation? What the fuck man? Why the hell did I think it was such a fucking good idea to take literature in university when I haven't studied it in 6 damn years? WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING?

And I'm trying hard not to panic right now cause I know I don't have enough time to focus on the other texts but I just can't stop thinking about it and my mind is in an utter state of chaos now I kid you not.

Like fuck this shit man. Seriously. I'm trying hard to be all positive with all the rainbows and sunshine but sometimes it's just a little too much, y'know? I have to pretend to know what I'm doing 100% of the time when I actually fucking don't.

And when I share it with others, they think I'm being stupid cause they seem to have the utmost faith in me that I'll succeed academically no matter what I do cause my damn brain looks exams wired to them.

They don't know that I regret taking literature every damn time I read it and struggling to find something interesting about it is just driving me nuts.

Stop saying it's exam stress.

I know exam stress and this ain't anything like it, okay? Transferred from vet tech to literature and now I'm thinking that's probably the dumbest idea I ever had.

GOOD JOB AMELIA. This is what happens when you don't think before you act.

Wtf man. I'm gonna fail my exams and that fucking upsets me cause I'm going to be that loser that still fails her exams despite fucking trying.

GOOD JOB GOOD JOB. *claps* *claps*

My life is fucking hilarious.

I don't know

I met up with them recently and I was so shocked by the changes that have happened in their lives. So many events have occurred and I wasn't even made aware of them! It horrified me that time could be so different for each and every one of us. While I was having a good time, they were swamped with many problems and I wasn't there for them. More importantly, it made me realised the distance I've placed between our lives. While I didn't expect myself to be as caring as I once was, I was sufficiently horrified to know that I had become the cold hearted friend I swore never to be.

And you know what's worse? Some part of me actually think it's okay for me to be like this because some part of me feels like it doesn't matter to them in any way. And that's scary because what I'm basically saying is that I only care about people who care about me.

It's disgusting. The inherent human natures of selfishness and self righteousness are grotesque. Yet, I'm a part of it and I haven't yet learned how to be apart from it.

You know what the most funny thing about this situation is? The people I've mentioned above don't even think of me this way. They genuinely care for me and they actually think I'm a good person which is just out of the world. I mean, don't get me wrong, I ain't no criminal, but I ain't no saint too, you get what I mean?

I just can't stand what I'm doing sometimes. I don't even know what's going on in my life. I just don't know any more...

:(

I'm sorry.

Spread goodness

Thankful to my sister for lending me her ipod. I never knew how much I missed music until I got it back again. It just helps me breathe again, you know?

I really hate this nostalgic sadness that has crept up to me for the past few days. It's suffocating. Sometimes I even forget what I'm supposed to be doing but I hate it even more that my close friends are suffering and I can't do a thing about it.

Nobody likes working overtime but seeing her becoming more and more negative and just becoming more disheartened at the world just breaks me. :( Sometimes I really wish that there's something I can do sighs.

Oh well. There's nothing I can do I suppose but to pray for those who are suffering, especially those in Paris, Japan and the other two countries that for some reason I can't recall now. The world is in chaos and all the evil in this world is magnified so now is the time to spread more love and more goodness to everyone you know and love.

Remain positive always.

:)

flashback into the past

"I could not recall what day it was. Neither could I recall the date. I just knew that it was in the afternoon when I stepped into the house and saw my parents sitting on the sofa, still like the statues you would see standing in the museums.

I should have known something was amiss, but I did not.

"Amelia, we have to talk to you."

I made my way to my room but my footsteps stilled upon my father's voice.

"Can this wait till later?" I replied irritability. I already had a lot to do with all my reports stacking high up on my table. I could not afford to waste any more time. Besides, they were just going to lecture me again. Always. I'm never good enough for them and I never will be.

"See! This is what we wanted to talk to you about. How can you speak to your parents this way?"

"Fine. What?"

I threw my bag on the floor and slouched on the couch.

"Amelia, look at you. You don't even talk to your parents anymore. The only time you actually talk to me is when you're asking me for allowance. You only find me when you need money."

My father spoke. His words were hurtful but it was normal for him because he always said hurtful words when he was mad. But my mother, she usually would jump to my defense. That day, though, she remained silent. She was still, like the characters in a silent film, without colour, without a sound and that made my heart cold.

Mummy, I felt my heart screaming, why aren't you stopping him? Do you think I am like that too? Do I look like I only treat you both for monetary uses? Because I don't. And you know it, so why aren't you defending me? Why are you silent?

"It's like you're not my daughter anymore." My father continues his tirade but I could hear no more. My tears were welling up in my eyes. I couldn't believe what I saw.

My mother was silent. She abandoned me. She didn't want me anymore.

"You know what, forget it. You won't understand any way. If you say I'm not your daughter then let it be the truth."

I walked back to my room, hugged my pillow and let the tears just fall.

It didn't matter anymore. I didn't belong anywhere. My parents ditched me. My parents didn't want me. My parents couldn't love me anymore. I was nothing. All my life I've tried to become someone they wanted me to be, but now, they don't want me because I've made so many mistakes that I'm no longer the daughter they once knew.

They don't want me anymore.

But if I'm not theirs, then who am I? If not a child of my parents, who can I be? Does it even matter? If I live or if I die? Who's gonna grieve at my funeral? Who's gonna care? The only two people on this world who can love me unconditionally are only them, so if I'm so horrible that even my own parents don't want me, then what's there left for me? What's left to be me? What's me?

I hugged my pillow tighter, and let it soak up all my tears."

Her blog entry made me remember my set of painful memories and since it wouldn't leave my mind, I typed it here in hope of gaining liberation from it. 

GOOD-BYE

and have a nice day. J

Psalm 62

Note: This post is going to be a Christian post. Do not read if uncomfortable. Consider yourself warned.

"Yes, my soul, find rest in God; my hope comes from him.

 Truly he is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken." 

Psalm 62: 5-6

I just talked to one of my university friends yesterday and as I was talking to her, I just felt such a divine peace descending upon my heart, y'know? My friend, though, was troubled. She said she was happy for me since my faith had increased ever since I got admitted here, but she was disheartened because she has been feeling so distanced from God recently.

I didn't know how to comfort her but I made the same 3 second prayer I always do before I talk to someone about their problems.

"God, help me speak the right words they need to hear right now. In Jesus's name I pray, Amen!"

And then I spoke.

I honestly don't remember what we were speaking about but I know I said something like this that I just wanted to write it here to remind myself of God's goodness and grace:

"Honestly, I'm not a very devout Christian either. I doubt God all the time. I don't meant that I doubt His existence, cause I cannot fathom how everything I know or see right now come into being if not for a divine being up there in Heaven. I just don't think that God is for everyone sometimes. I don't think He's for me. I mean, what's the guarantee? I'm just a mere human to Him. I'm nothing. Other times, I just get really angry at God, you know? When I have all these stupid addictions (you know about my cutting addiction), I just can't help but question God why did He let all these happen to me? What's the purpose of it all?"

"I remember telling that to a leader, and I forgot who told me this but that person said, "If you accuse God and close your heart to Him, how do you expect Him to answer you? A relationship cannot work if you keep accusing the other party. You need to step down from that high pedestal you've placed yourself on, humble yourself and ask Him again."

I could see the tears swimming in her eyes and she finally spoke her real concerns. She was worried, she told me, she was concerned about Death. She was afraid her father would not be saved by Christ and they would be separated after Death.

It was a real concern of hers to have, of course. It's a concern I have sometimes, but M's testimony always touches me so I shared it with her. M's father had a heart attack. He almost died. 45% of his heart lost its function. He was admitted into the ICU.

But God saved his life.

And a year later, M accepted Christ into her life. She told me this, "When I heard that my father was going to make a complete recovery from his attack, I knew immediately that it had to be of God. I knew that God saved his life and I knew He saved him to let him get the chance to know God."

And it's amazing cause a revival is happening in her family now and I'm really excited for her. Well, my purpose for sharing this isn't just to glorify Christ but to show I guess other Christians out there who are concerned about their families or loved ones getting saved that God always has His timing.

God never fails to knock on the door of every heart.

So don't despair when you don't see results immediately. Everything is working out according to His plans. Everything is under control. Don't let your faith be shaken by the tough circumstances around you or any tribulations you might be undergoing right now.

God is your rock and your salvation. Set Him as your fortress, as the place you find rest from.

I ended my conversation with my university friend, telling her this,

"The reason why I'm growing in faith is because university is literally forcing me to behave this way. I have no background in literature. I've stopped studying it since 6 years ago! Now, I'm suddenly at university level and I am majoring in it? It sounds impossible, doesn't it? If you ask me how I am coping with all this, I'll tell you that I'm not. All I have right now, no matter how meager the success I have, they're all from God. I did nothing. I couldn't do anything. I don't know anything, and I think that's how I come to rely on His strength."

I know nothing, but He knows everything and that's all I need.

Leaving you Christians out there with a Bible verse:

"Trust in him at all times, you people;

pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge."

Psalm 62:8

Stay faith-filled throughout the week! J

P.S. the explosion of thoughts above was because I was doing my daily devotional on Psalm 62 and I felt God really speaking to me through this psalm so I wanted to record it on this blog [so that next time I can read it again] before I forget about it.

be thankful

"I learned to look more upon the bright side of my condition, and less upon the dark side, and to consider what I enjoyed rather than what I wanted; and this gave me sometimes such secret comforts, that I cannot express them; and which I take notice of here, to put those discontented people in mind of it, who cannot enjoy comfortably what God has given them, because they see and covet something that He has not given them. All our discontents about what we want appeared to me to spring from the want of thankfulness for what we have."

- Robinson Crusoe 

Reminder to self: Need to always be thankful for what God has blessed me with and not accuse God of for the things He hasn't blessed me with.

:>

Fuck the world

Can't fucking do this anymore, okay? I really can't. What the fuck. No more social interactions from now on. I'll just shut the fuck up and do nothing.

IT IS SO FUCKING TIRING TO TALK TO PEOPLE. I had enough. I'm not gonna spew a single word out unless it's a damn stray cat right in front of me and not a two-legged deceitful creature.

WHAT. THE. FUCK.

Fuck her.

Fuck the rest.

And fuck the person who set the bloody rules in society cause it isn't fucking fun and it's killing all of us, so fuck you.

Go suck a dick.

I can do this!

Rules to live by:

NEED TO STOP SLIPPING AWAY.

NEED TO BE STRONGER.

NEED TO START CARING ABOUT LIFE AGAIN.

I can do this, right? I certainly can. I've just got to believe. God bless me.

appearances are deceiving

"My mother said I should be more like you, a cheerful and bubbly girl! I didn't tell her about what's going on with you, of course."

"Hahaha. Well, isn't that saying true? The happiest people are often the saddest in their hearts."

"...."

"I guess they just don't want others to feel the same way as them too."

.....

sorry

I let her down again.

I don't know how to explain that I didn't want to go meet her because I was too lazy to leave my house, but when I heard that she stayed up to wait for me despite her sickness, I feel even more guilty.

I'm a horrible friend and I'm really sorry to her.

She says she'll give me an uppercut after she recovers. May she give me many many uppercuts till I see Jesus's face.

Untitled thoughts

I told my parents that I'm going out, but I'm not. Not really. I'm just rotting, staring into the air dreaming of blue skies and sunshine.

O Sunlight! The thought of it hitting my face just fills me up with warm fuzzy feelings. And sweat. So much sweat. It stinks my insides with Ammonia's lover.

Am I... sad? I don't know. Why am I wandering beneath the void decks when I can go home? I don't understand. Do I not want to go home? Perhaps.

I've slept a lot but I still feel so tired. I tried squeezing myself into a ball on the floor, closing my eyes and counting to ten but midway my mind blanks out and I lose count of what I'm counting. But I don't feel bothered about it. No.

I'm sad, sad cause the world is filled with so much pain. I look into their eyes and I see it. The anguish burning so bright in their souls. I wish I can help them but I can't. I'm powerless. I wish I don't have to see them. They make me feel hopeless, dead eyes like empty hollow sockets with speckles of whites in them.

I don't know what I'm rambling on anymore. I should stop. Good day to you all, or rather good night. Love you.

Despair

3.33am

I've given up on my essay. It's half-done. It's almost done. Ha. It's never going to be done.

Ha. Ha. Ha.

You go Amelia. Go go go.

Ridiculous

WHY DO I CRY OVER THE MOST RIDICULOUS REASONS EVER?

I fucking hate myself.

SNAP OUTTA IT AMELIA. YOU GOTTA DO YOUR ESSAY. NOT WASTE TIME ON CRYING BITCH.

I hate me

I would give up anything in the world to have all my friends and family with me again.

I miss you so much that I can't even articulate just how much I miss you, and I am so sorry for everything that I've done but I can never take it back, you know? And I hate that so much of myself.

I can't stare at myself in the mirror and tell myself that I'm contented with who I am cause I'm not. I hate all that has happened. I want to change it all. I want to undo all my mistakes. I want to tell you more that I love you, and that I'm sorry, really sorry that it took me losing you to finally understand how important you were and still are to me.

Gosh. I fucking hate myself.

Curbing sin

Do not let sin control the way you live. Do not give into sinful desires. Do not let any part of your body become an instrument to serve sin. Instead give yourselves completely to God for you were dead but now you have new life. So use your whole body as an instrument to do what is right for the glory of God.

- Romans 6:12-13

It's difficult sometimes to resist the urge to just throw all your books away, pack your bags and just leave this place. I imagine myself to be backpacking throughout the forest, scavenging for food resources and listening to Nature's sweetest melodies.

I haven't been seeing much Nature these days. When I visited my stray cats on Mon, most of them had forgotten about me (either that or they just didn't care) and that broke my heart.

Being forgotten is just such a scary feeling you know? I guess there exists an urge in me to want/desire to be remembered by others and it is this desire that drives my academic accomplishments and morality.

Which is totally off course from what I'm supposed to be doing. Thanks to Quiet Time (QT) today, I figured that out. Whatever is deemed good by Man may not be good in God's eyes. Man romanticises cutting/suicide/depression, but how are any of those diseases different from any addictions out there? What makes a drug addict different from a suicidal person? The boundaries are so thin but the social response to these two illnesses are just so different.

I guess humans are hypocrites after all. That's why we need God yeah?

Dear God, help me grow stronger in your Word each day and grow in intimacy with You. Aid me in acknowledging you as my Lord, and not only my Saviour, such that I will be able to live the life You want me to live and never look back to my past. Thank you Lord. In your name, Amen.

pattern of thoughts

Sometimes, it's all you can do to not have a major breakdown in a public place with everyone staring at you and wondering what the fuck you are doing.

Sometimes it all hangs on a single fraying thread that will unravel itself before it even snaps and breaks away, which is kinda funny because I think our minds actually work like threads.

Threads are made up of tiny small strings weaved together just like the interconnected thoughts we have everyday.

They're strong as a whole and can do incredible things way past their weight. But anyone who sews will tell you that once one strand of thread starts unravelling the rest would follow and there's no saving that thread unless you cut it -- which is probably what I need to do any way.

When I went up to get prayed for yesterday I remembered the leader saying:

God will cause every chain to break in your life and He will change your pattern of thoughts.

Now, these words are of course, typical of a leader to say in a prayer, especially since yesterday's session was about cutting and having faith in God, but it was the word pattern that had me pausing for a bit there as I started to make the connections in my head.

And I made that connection:

Life is like a huge embroidery sheet, and the threads sewn onto it are the thoughts you leave hanging onto it. Whether you choose to contain positivity and have that sheet filled with a variety of colours or if you're feeling negative and that sheet is entirely composed of dull hues, it doesn't matter because that sheet is your life and life is all about the ups and downs. For an excellent pattern on the sheet isn't one composed of vibrant colours but one with both vibrant and dull contrasting colours, onto which the decision lies on me the kind of pattern I want to create on this giant embroidery sheet.

Is it a pattern that will bring joy to others? Is it a pattern that will be remembered for life?
Or a pattern that will let others know that there's nothing wrong with dull hues and vibrancy unless they do not coexist with each other?

*breathes*

I don't know, but I thank God everyday that I'm alive and breathing. Because of Him, my pattern is beautiful and I know that no matter how many dull hues I have, in His eyes that design will always be uniquely gorgeous me.

I will try to remain positive this week. Cheerios!

prayed for

Today's service impacted me I guess in ways I never imagined it would. I guess it's because I really don't imagine church to ever speak of cutting you know? I always thought it was a sin, but it was a greater one than others 'cause I did it voluntarily and it's as though I'm mocking God's sacrifice or something. Hmm...

But today is different. In fact, even now as I'm thinking of it, I still think it's pretty damn amazing. God really works in His own timing. There's nothing else I can say beyond that. The sermon was perfect for the season in my life and it's really one I think I won't forget.

Anyway, BC's message after service was quite touching so I'm gonna post it here. (I try so hard to avoid these kind of conversations then he just goes and start one by himself.) -.-

Ehh 老女人！ I know this is weird but I'm just really happy to see you went up to get prayed for today! Throughout the sermon, I kinda had this feeling that SP Lia would wanna pray for those two groups of people at the end of the service, so I was really praying to God that I really hoped you'd go up!

Whatever struggles you've told me regarding your cutting, those things I read on your private blog, to be honest, I feel lousy and useless that I don't have an answer or solution for you. I could only pray to God to move in your life and that I really wanted you to lift up all your struggles and problems especially regarding the cutting, for you to lift it up to God and you did today!

I'll always remember that debate we had about how you argued that why must God love us? Why is His love for us unconditional? And that you felt that you don't deserve to be loved by God. And truthfully, your question really stunned me as I really couldn't answer your question hahaha!

But you know, for me, God loves me unconditionally, yes I also do not know why must He do so but He did anyway and therefore I will love Him back just as much. I want to glorify Him and do His work and when I see Him in heaven, then I'll ask Him why haha.

I'm just really glad that you've decided to rely on God and put your faith in Him to be there for you in your struggles and problems! I really hoped that God spoke to you when you were up there just now and that you encountered and perhaps got a revelation from Him. Jiayou!

I don't know what to say to that message to be honest. My DGL was asking me recently that upon starting my quiet time with God, did God speak to me personally? I didn't answer her but the truth is, He did.

"I cannot heal you if you do not believe in Me."

That's what I've been hearing for the past quiet time sessions and like the escapist that I am, I avoided it.

"God," I'll speak to myself, "Do you even understand what you're asking of me? I don't even know if I have enough faith to believe in the concept faith, and you're telling me to believe in You, an entirely different being altogether?"

So I stopped, and when I did, those thoughts came back. I remember thinking to myself:

• What exactly is the meaning to life to all of this? 
• Will it never end? 
• Am I destined to take part in cycles of self-destruction forever?

I didn't tell BC this, of course, but I actually censored the content of this blog for a while because the day that I actually made my deepest cut was the Friday before we celebrated his birthday (and it was my last cut). I didn't want to spoil the happy occasion you know? So I rather not let him see what I typed at all.

But I did remember that in my madness I accused God, "You tell me that the only way I can get better is when I believe in You, but how can I believe in You when You're not here most of the time? How can I grow intimate with You when it feels like You are never with me ever?"

And then He, of course, answered me today.

My main fear associated with cutting isn't about my family judging me for it (though that scares me as well) but rather the fear of being abandoned by God because I have taken one sin too far, and that realisation just came to me today. I never knew that I had abandonment issues but now that I think about it, it all makes sense.

I was abandoned before therefore I am afraid of being subjected to the same treatment again.

Stupid me, how could I missed that coming? So stupid...

Anyway, I went up and got prayed for by one of the church leaders. :)

So who knows? Maybe I'll really make out of this alive. Maybe...

numb

Going out tonight was a horrible idea. I think I should just get used to the fact that I'm never gonna fit in with my polytechnic clique so I should just give up and stop trying.

Better still, stop hoping that something will change as time goes by 'cause nothing ever will. Like Amelia, give up already.

Being with them is the literal meaning of "Being in a crowd but feeling incredibly alone at the same time", especially when we met our polytechnic teacher and I was just rotting there as they interacted with her.

I was practically invisible, I don't know why I even try. It's good that I've bloodied up my scrubs though. I don't think I'm returning to that life anymore. It killed some part of me, and I'm willing to let that stay dead forever.

It's amazing, isn't it? Just those small little details and you end up feeling crappier than ever. Maybe I'm just not destined to be it. I can't see where I'm heading to anymore.

I'm so afraid all the time. It did get better for a while but now it's like the same as before. I just don't feel like expressing the fear again. If I just detach myself from my body, then it'll be back like how it was a year ago, wouldn't it? I'll be free from all these emotions and in that freeness perhaps experience happiness.

Or not, I don't know. Amazingly enough, I don't get any urges to cut. I just don't feel anymore. Perhaps it's for the better. Feeling so much is gonna get me screwed anyway.

*sighs*

I did promise myself that I'll see the counsellor if things get worse. On the other hand, who's to say that I care? (I don't want to get better sometimes)

Alright. I should shut up. Positive thoughts, Amelia. Positivity. And screw the remaining essays to hell.