But today is different. In fact, even now as I'm thinking of it, I still think it's pretty damn amazing. God really works in His own timing. There's nothing else I can say beyond that. The sermon was perfect for the season in my life and it's really one I think I won't forget.
Anyway, BC's message after service was quite touching so I'm gonna post it here. (I try so hard to avoid these kind of conversations then he just goes and start one by himself.) -.-
Ehh 老女人！ I know this is weird but I'm just really happy to see you went up to get prayed for today! Throughout the sermon, I kinda had this feeling that SP Lia would wanna pray for those two groups of people at the end of the service, so I was really praying to God that I really hoped you'd go up!
Whatever struggles you've told me regarding your cutting, those things I read on your private blog, to be honest, I feel lousy and useless that I don't have an answer or solution for you. I could only pray to God to move in your life and that I really wanted you to lift up all your struggles and problems especially regarding the cutting, for you to lift it up to God and you did today!
I'll always remember that debate we had about how you argued that why must God love us? Why is His love for us unconditional? And that you felt that you don't deserve to be loved by God. And truthfully, your question really stunned me as I really couldn't answer your question hahaha!
But you know, for me, God loves me unconditionally, yes I also do not know why must He do so but He did anyway and therefore I will love Him back just as much. I want to glorify Him and do His work and when I see Him in heaven, then I'll ask Him why haha.
I'm just really glad that you've decided to rely on God and put your faith in Him to be there for you in your struggles and problems! I really hoped that God spoke to you when you were up there just now and that you encountered and perhaps got a revelation from Him. Jiayou!
I don't know what to say to that message to be honest. My DGL was asking me recently that upon starting my quiet time with God, did God speak to me personally? I didn't answer her but the truth is, He did.
"I cannot heal you if you do not believe in Me."
That's what I've been hearing for the past quiet time sessions and like the escapist that I am, I avoided it.
"God," I'll speak to myself, "Do you even understand what you're asking of me? I don't even know if I have enough faith to believe in the concept faith, and you're telling me to believe in You, an entirely different being altogether?"
So I stopped, and when I did, those thoughts came back. I remember thinking to myself:
- What exactly is the meaning to life to all of this?
- Will it never end?
- Am I destined to take part in cycles of self-destruction forever?
I didn't tell BC this, of course, but I actually censored the content of this blog for a while because the day that I actually made my deepest cut was the Friday before we celebrated his birthday (and it was my last cut). I didn't want to spoil the happy occasion you know? So I rather not let him see what I typed at all.
But I did remember that in my madness I accused God, "You tell me that the only way I can get better is when I believe in You, but how can I believe in You when You're not here most of the time? How can I grow intimate with You when it feels like You are never with me ever?"
And then He, of course, answered me today.
My main fear associated with cutting isn't about my family judging me for it (though that scares me as well) but rather the fear of being abandoned by God because I have taken one sin too far, and that realisation just came to me today. I never knew that I had abandonment issues but now that I think about it, it all makes sense.
I was abandoned before therefore I am afraid of being subjected to the same treatment again.
Stupid me, how could I missed that coming? So stupid...
Anyway, I went up and got prayed for by one of the church leaders. :)
So who knows? Maybe I'll really make out of this alive. Maybe...
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