I don't know

I met up with them recently and I was so shocked by the changes that have happened in their lives. So many events have occurred and I wasn't even made aware of them! It horrified me that time could be so different for each and every one of us. While I was having a good time, they were swamped with many problems and I wasn't there for them. More importantly, it made me realised the distance I've placed between our lives. While I didn't expect myself to be as caring as I once was, I was sufficiently horrified to know that I had become the cold hearted friend I swore never to be.

And you know what's worse? Some part of me actually think it's okay for me to be like this because some part of me feels like it doesn't matter to them in any way. And that's scary because what I'm basically saying is that I only care about people who care about me.

It's disgusting. The inherent human natures of selfishness and self righteousness are grotesque. Yet, I'm a part of it and I haven't yet learned how to be apart from it.

You know what the most funny thing about this situation is? The people I've mentioned above don't even think of me this way. They genuinely care for me and they actually think I'm a good person which is just out of the world. I mean, don't get me wrong, I ain't no criminal, but I ain't no saint too, you get what I mean?

I just can't stand what I'm doing sometimes. I don't even know what's going on in my life. I just don't know any more...

:(

I'm sorry.