Doesn't matter

I attended my younger cousin's birthday party yesterday. I did it voluntarily. I don't know why too. Who am I trying to prove myself to? That I can socialise? That I can be in a group of people who are blood-related to me and not feel lonely and awkward at all?

I don't know what I was trying to prove to myself but I know I failed and I hate it. It's funny. I don't think I ever expect this to happen. When I was there, it was like I wasn't there. And I keep thinking to myself, maybe it's better if I'm not there. Maybe it'll make up for all the times I'm not supposed to be there.

I was struggling with these thoughts and food didn't appeal to me anymore. Didn't see the point in stuffing your body with nutrients when the life in you is already extinguished. So, I ate a little. It was big enough to show "face" to my uncle but small enough that I wouldn't gag at the sight of it. It was enough.

I wonder if I can ever do that. Perfect that form of balance between sanity and insanity. Being sane is tiring. Being insane even more so. What if I don't want to fall to two extremes? What if I just want to be me?

I thought about it a lot. Whenever I get thoughts like these, I sink myself into the world of fanfiction to drown me away. Some days, that works. Some days, it doesn't. Some times I find myself wishing it won't. Some times, I just want it to be over.

I used to think I can't overdose on pills cause I can't get them. Then, I realised, fucking Panadol works too. Idiot. Of course, I wouldn't do it. Not now at least. For now, I still have a life to live.

I'm just saying, if I consider death as a permanent solution, well, then all these obstacles on Earth are just temporary, right?

And if everything is temporal, then it wouldn't matter to say the least. Not I, not you, not anyone else. We all wouldn't matter.

"Dust to dust, ashes to ashes."

We're all specks of living dust anyway.