I haven't studied a thing today. I can't concentrate. My mind keeps thinking of it. It's like a default response. I can't stop thinking about it once I'm on that path. I can't stop just thinking of that stupid innocent penknife hiding in my drawer somewhere.
But I made myself a promise to not do it at home.
And now I'm wondering if I should just consider suicide at this point cause surely suicide is better than battling an addiction you don't see an end to. Seriously. Cutting is better than taking your life away. So, it's better if I pick the option of cutting, allow myself to get consumed with the thoughts of cutting than to struggle with these suicidal thoughts.
I'm not happy. I don't know why too. Sometimes I think God's playing a cruel trick on me. I did my Bible study! I attended church! Why? Why can you not stop letting these thoughts fuck with my head?
Today, my friends offhandedly commented that I use vulgarities a lot. Well, if I don't use vulgarities, how am I supposed to get all these ANGST buried in me out? I can't scream. People will think I'm crazy. I have to pretend to be sane all the damn time. Let a girl have a break, will you?
The words on that picture above is so true. I remember the first time I saw a picture of a slit wrist. I cringed. I couldn't bring my eyes to even look at it. It just seemed disgusting to me. How can people do this to themselves? I remembered asking myself. How can they destroy their bodies this way? Won't it hurt?
But the joke's on me now cause I am one of those stupid girls destroying their bodies and if you ask me how I got to this point, I'll honestly tell you that I don't know. I think back on my life a lot, you know? Especially when I think about my parents. So, here's the truth:
I don't love my parents.
I know. I'm a god damned sinner. How can you not love your parents? Aren't you appreciative for what they've done for you? How can you be so ungrateful?
Don't get me wrong. I appreciate what they've done for me. I thank them for raising me to this ripeful age of 20 years old but the emotions of love just isn't there. There's so much resentment I feel towards them because of what they said and what they did. It's anger that I do not even want to delve into.
I just can't love them and struggling to love them is driving me crazy, okay? When my friends tell me they love their parents I'm just staring at them blankly because I don't understand. I don't understand how to love my parents so for fuck's sake someone needs to tell me how to.
I feel so excluded from this world sometimes. It's like everyone's born on this world to love but I don't even know how to do that anymore. When my hamsters were dying, I cursed them to die faster because I didn't want to take care of them anymore. Then, when they finally died, I didn't cry. I buried them but I didn't cry.
I felt guilty. I still feel guilty. I know I am supposed to be upset over their deaths but I'm not. Does that make me weird? Am I abnormal? Crazy?
I don't love animals as much as I think I do. I don't even think I know the meaning of the word 'love' anymore. How do you 'love' someone? What's love?
God, You're stupid. Someone on this planet probably deserves to live more than me right now but You're letting potential sociopathic me live. They say You have a purpose but I don't know what Your purpose is, unless it's to mock all those who believe in You, of course.
It's 3.40am now.
I still haven't studied a thing.
I can't bring myself to study a thing.
Sometimes, I wonder, if I could just do it, would the thoughts leave me for just a moment?
But I know I'm lying to myself.
They'll never leave.
Not now, not today, not ever.
No comments:
Post a Comment