I don't want to fail

Pretending to be all confident that I know wtf I am doing when the truth is I'm fucking clueless to what's going on.

I'm trying to blindly memorise the theories people have said about the specific texts. I don't think I'm supposed to do that but what am I supposed to do? What's the right way to study literature? I'm slowly sinking into the despair of my studies. NEVER have I felt so helpless when confronted with exams until I've met this subject called literature. I thought literature would have suited me more than veterinary technology. Now, I'm thinking that there ain't any difference. I can't decide which is worse.

At least science had a guaranteed pass if I could just memorise every single little itty bitty detail in my notes. This? This literature is insane. I can study so much and I can still fail. That's the scary part. That's the fear in me.

I know I said that I'll not care so much about my academic grades and focus on my learning instead but this is just so damn difficult sometimes. Like what am I supposed to do? For 10+ years my brain has been hardwired to view good grades as success. How am I supposed to change it overnight? How am I even supposed to study anymore? I'm clueless, scared and just utterly terrified.

And now as I'm typing this post, I'm late for church. It starts at 4pm. Here I am at Bartley at 3.46pm. I don't know what to say for myself. I don't even know if I want to speak up. I'm just so tired today.

And so damn scared for exams.

I don't want to fail. Even though I know these grades wouldn't matter in the future, I still don't want to fail. I don't want to fail.