"I could not recall what day it was. Neither could I recall the date. I just knew that it was in the afternoon when I stepped into the house and saw my parents sitting on the sofa, still like the statues you would see standing in the museums.
I should have known something was amiss, but I did not.
"Amelia, we have to talk to you."
I made my way to my room but my footsteps stilled upon my father's voice.
"Can this wait till later?" I replied irritability. I already had a lot to do with all my reports stacking high up on my table. I could not afford to waste any more time. Besides, they were just going to lecture me again. Always. I'm never good enough for them and I never will be.
"See! This is what we wanted to talk to you about. How can you speak to your parents this way?"
"Fine. What?"
I threw my bag on the floor and slouched on the couch.
"Amelia, look at you. You don't even talk to your parents anymore. The only time you actually talk to me is when you're asking me for allowance. You only find me when you need money."
My father spoke. His words were hurtful but it was normal for him because he always said hurtful words when he was mad. But my mother, she usually would jump to my defense. That day, though, she remained silent. She was still, like the characters in a silent film, without colour, without a sound and that made my heart cold.
Mummy, I felt my heart screaming, why aren't you stopping him? Do you think I am like that too? Do I look like I only treat you both for monetary uses? Because I don't. And you know it, so why aren't you defending me? Why are you silent?
"It's like you're not my daughter anymore." My father continues his tirade but I could hear no more. My tears were welling up in my eyes. I couldn't believe what I saw.
My mother was silent. She abandoned me. She didn't want me anymore.
"You know what, forget it. You won't understand any way. If you say I'm not your daughter then let it be the truth."
I walked back to my room, hugged my pillow and let the tears just fall.
It didn't matter anymore. I didn't belong anywhere. My parents ditched me. My parents didn't want me. My parents couldn't love me anymore. I was nothing. All my life I've tried to become someone they wanted me to be, but now, they don't want me because I've made so many mistakes that I'm no longer the daughter they once knew.
They don't want me anymore.
But if I'm not theirs, then who am I? If not a child of my parents, who can I be? Does it even matter? If I live or if I die? Who's gonna grieve at my funeral? Who's gonna care? The only two people on this world who can love me unconditionally are only them, so if I'm so horrible that even my own parents don't want me, then what's there left for me? What's left to be me? What's me?
I hugged my pillow tighter, and let it soak up all my tears."
Her blog entry made me remember my set of painful memories and since it wouldn't leave my mind, I typed it here in hope of gaining liberation from it.
GOOD-BYE
and have a nice day. J
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