numb

Going out tonight was a horrible idea. I think I should just get used to the fact that I'm never gonna fit in with my polytechnic clique so I should just give up and stop trying.

Better still, stop hoping that something will change as time goes by 'cause nothing ever will. Like Amelia, give up already.

Being with them is the literal meaning of "Being in a crowd but feeling incredibly alone at the same time", especially when we met our polytechnic teacher and I was just rotting there as they interacted with her.

I was practically invisible, I don't know why I even try. It's good that I've bloodied up my scrubs though. I don't think I'm returning to that life anymore. It killed some part of me, and I'm willing to let that stay dead forever.

It's amazing, isn't it? Just those small little details and you end up feeling crappier than ever. Maybe I'm just not destined to be it. I can't see where I'm heading to anymore.

I'm so afraid all the time. It did get better for a while but now it's like the same as before. I just don't feel like expressing the fear again. If I just detach myself from my body, then it'll be back like how it was a year ago, wouldn't it? I'll be free from all these emotions and in that freeness perhaps experience happiness.

Or not, I don't know. Amazingly enough, I don't get any urges to cut. I just don't feel anymore. Perhaps it's for the better. Feeling so much is gonna get me screwed anyway.

*sighs*

I did promise myself that I'll see the counsellor if things get worse. On the other hand, who's to say that I care? (I don't want to get better sometimes)

Alright. I should shut up. Positive thoughts, Amelia. Positivity. And screw the remaining essays to hell.